restless alliteration

Collaboration

2011-12-03T11:04:00.001-05:00

i recently reconnected with a friend that I knew online like 10-12 years ago. We used to write on a hiphop message board and would collab on pieces to spark inspiration. Over the last few years we lost touch, but we jumped back in to our sharing mode and it has been a little blessing in my exhausted little life.

*****TERIYAKI (music: Wax Tailor - Seize the Day)

Heat mixed with gravity pulls me down magically

oceanic majesty as I swim so free across her naked sea

schools of fish agree guiding my gliding like giant sea turtles diving

below the depths bubbles of breath escaping to the heavens like lightning

as i go deeper I can feel my chest tightening ... then I exhale!

and release floating across vast valleys of coral reef..

*****KISA

jupiter moons bring her closer

swinging wide she finds who sent her

tiny bits of sand and dreams

memories and candid streams

of laughter.

his purple haze swims around him like love

vibrating in cadence with the oceans hum

unfolding with the free universe as one

collective dancing spirit

in laughter.

*****TERIYAKI

brushstrokes across the skin paint the mood with candlelight

burgundy shades of jazz discharging spirits of delight

her licentious intentions snatch my ghost deep from within

entrancing me in rapture boiling blood through my skin

but I exhibit only peace as the beast finds release

hearts skipping beats on damp silky smooth sheets

and the skies up above are colored red like juiced beets

cascading upon hot flesh forcing steam to retreat

and the sibilation of breath is the only sound left

*****KISA

lying languid like an open peony heavy with dew

trapped in a lush moment of stillness and magic and you.

the room is filled with binaural rhythms of silent poetry,

a quiet so soft, the words are all lost

drifting between the rise and fall of your breath and the sea.

freedom lives between the letters that make up the sound of words

naked space plays in the heat and the lust and the unheard.

cosmic shifts, consciousness and constantness builds eleven perfectly wet breaths that count beyond time and capture a sublime understanding of now

and this...this stardust found.

give me more, wrap me up in a storm of alliteration, third eye visions and inspirations. my senses are full of a dying season, i’m craving island rains that pour like needles on flesh, skies full of painted sex, breezes so heavy with mood you can’t deny the esoteric quintet passing by. i’m starved, longing for the wordspun illusion of creative worth, an eccentric vedic rebirth of my imagination.

******TERIYAKI

... enlightening my soul in an age of blackness

as I spin around waiting for lucidity to slither free

and winds unfold timid petals waiting to be kindled

spicy dew moistened stigma . .so delicately bindled

pulsating signals of ambrosial liquids like syrup on lips

dancing like moonlight over galleys on forgotten pirate ships

lick my fingers after flipping through your perfect pages as I

trampoline bouncing off stars somersaulting weightless

lost in a moment forever frozen in stained glass ... break this

till then I'll orbit melancholia with a doom accepted facelift

******TERIYAKI

simply amazing grace profounds my inner being

to seeing spotlit tints dancing on my silent ceiling

kaleidoscopes of memories that light my soul aflame

those amazing moments with strangers you'll never forget

but can't remember their name

the beauty of genuine friendship that grows like seedlings to redwoods

strength combined with love and affection so easily understood

our souls are like rice paper, carefully tread upon

but the imprints left behind are so delicately beautiful

like ones reflection in ponds

the child that lives inside our eyes, the windows forever open as when we were born

simply a pebble on our path to enlightenment, riding on the backs of the forlorn...

******KISA (music: Yusef Lateef - Like It Is)

its like it is...

slow movements of depressed motion

deep like percussion begging for slighted devotion

fingered reality plays with melancholy strings and reeds

while my traumatic week unwinds

laying littered in the peripheral, I readjust my mental tides.

its like it is...

and its hard to find a moment to linger for myself

I wrap my focus around emergencies, broken dreams

and how not be an asshole.

id rather escape than create

id rather imagine wings of freedom

than dive into the abyss that exists in my mind.

it is like it is...

but

the words shared are beautiful and felt

floating around a dark room,

bumping into breaths that swell,

tickles and whispers like bursts of sweet in a sour gloom.

it is like it is....

and the invisible thread, the spider silk

that connects souls plays on the wind like guilt

catching sunshine, honest rhymes and bits of time

that you thought you’d lost along the way.

and as i read between the lines

the gratitude blooms like perfection...

reverberation divine....

its like it is...

and out of my need to not hurt feelings

I am writing.

I am trying.

I am breathing that breath that tastes like

need.

a need repressed that stretches the seams

of my emotion.

a need to express

a need to connect through words

a need to realign my spirit

with likeminded verb bandits

and reality bending starlets.

It is like it is,

and I thank you

for the reprieve

and love you

for inspiring the need.

Zack de la Rocha on OWS

2011-11-18T22:38:00.001-05:00

“This poem is dedicated to the Occupy movement whose courage is changing the world. Stay Strong. We are winning.” - Zack de la Rocha

The beginning spills through city veins

Into the arteries

And under powers poison clouds

We move like the shadows

Through the alley ways

Through nightmares bought and sold as dreams

Through barren factories

Through boarded schools

Through rotting fields

Through the burning doors of the past

Through imaginations exploding

To break the curfews in our minds

Our actions awaken dreams of actions multiplied

A restless fury

Once buried like burning embers

Left alone to smolder

But together stacked under the walls of a dying order

All sparks are counted

Calloused hands raised in silence

Over the bonfire of hope unincorporated

It's flame restores tomorrows meaning

Across the graveyards of hollow promises

As gold dipped vultures pick at what is left of our denial

And the youngest among us

Stare at us stoned like eyes determined

And say

Death for us may come early

Cause dignity has no price

At the corner of now and nowhere

Anywhere

Everywhere

Tomorrow is calling

Do not be afraid

*I have been waiting to hear his take on things and I can't even lie, I cried a little*

Zack was fundamental in the removal of my blinders all those years ago, listening to my japanese version of the RATM album on headphones in my rack underway in the pacific. Over the last 20 years (almost) my ears would hear new things, pick up on bits I missed, re-inspired me, pumped me up...it still holds a permanent spot in my mood rotation. There are only a handful of people in the world that I don't know, but hold close to my heart, he is one of them. Thank you Zack.

Pledge of Resistance

2011-10-25T11:11:00.003-04:00

by Saul Williams

We believe that as people living

in the United States it is our

responsibility to resist the injustices

done by our government,

in our names.

Not in our name

will you wage endless war

there can be no more deaths

no more transfusions

of blood for oil.

Not in our name

will you invade countries

bomb civilians, kill more children

letting history take its course

over the graves of the nameless.

Not in our name

will you erode the very freedoms

you have claimed to fight for.

Not by our hands

will we supply weapons and funding

for the annihilation of families

on foreign soil.

Not by our mouths

will we let fear silence us.

Not by our hearts

will we allow whole peoples

or countries to be deemed evil.

Not by our will

and Not in our name.

WE PLEDGE RESISTANCE

We pledge alliance with those

who have come under attack

for voicing opposition to the war

or for their religion or ethnicity.

We pledge to make common cause

with the people of the world

to bring about justice,

freedom and peace.

Another world is possible

and we pledge to make it real.

sacred spiral

2011-10-24T12:24:00.001-04:00

find your center

find the words

to unfold

without boundaries.

find the space

to exist

without criticism.

tune out the noise

move away from the disconnected

abandon the unloving.

embrace all that moves you

be drawn in to the movement

vibe with the vibration.

find your center

unplug

speak percussion

find the rhthym

that fills your isolation.

find the beauty

that soothes you.

create,

bleed into the design.

allow yourself to spiral into your core

at the speed of your own cadence.

celebrate what you are

forgive what you are not.

find your center

life on paper

2011-10-21T09:36:00.001-04:00

Its been a crazy month or so, I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve had two “break-ups”, one with Inara’s nursery school and another with a client. Both relationships were wearing me down, stressing me out and going against my grain. Both had positive aspects, but they just didn’t outweigh the negative and I decided, rather impulsively, to end both. It all felt sort of manic actually, so I have been waiting for the reality to set in that I made a bad decision...but two/three weeks in and both still feel like reasonable decisions.

I am still struggling with the whole ‘stay at home’ mom role. I can easily identify my fear of reliance on a man, my fear of not being able to legitimize my professional and intellectual abilities, my fear of becoming obsolete in the professional world...its so tricky. I am 100% positive my presence and time with Inara is the most important use of my time and focus, but I have been so conditioned to weigh my worth on the sum of my professional abilities. My professional career and consequently, my financial independence has been a source of pride in me. Pride I understand to be superficial, pride that separates me, pride that I need to overcome. But as I’ve mentioned before, its has so defined me, that I cling to it, unable to imagine worth without it.

The OCCUPY movement has become a big factor in our lives. We have been active at Freedom Plaza in DC, not sleeping there, but coming down on the weekends, participating, donating, supporting. I am so full of hope. Hope I haven’t felt in over a decade. I am channeling all my frustration into supporting the movement that I honestly believe can change the world if we direct ourselves appropriately. There is an awakening happening and I have been waiting for it for so long...I had lost faith that it might actually happen on a large scale...and now it is manifesting in intelligent, strong minded, focused people! There are many challenges, but I feel a shift coming all around me and it is uplifting.

We adopted a cat... Two years ago, my wonderful 15 year old cat, kisapele, passed away from a tumor. Since then, I had convinced myself that I would never commit to more animals (we have a dog and a canary). But things play out funny sometimes. My son volunteers at the animal shelter. Everyone but me wanted a cat. I said, never, unless it was siamese (I grew up with a siamese) and only if we adopted. Literally, one day later, a siamese mix came into the shelter. She is beautiful and quirky and a welcome addition to our strange brew. Her name is Neela Shanti (blue peace) for her big blue eyes.

So pretty much, life is good. Fall is creeping in and I feel grounded like the leaves, prepping to decompose into the earth of understanding.

~peace, love & light~

2011-09-22T10:55:00.001-04:00

‎"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.

I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

Ideas, language, and even the phrase 'eachother' doesn't make any sense."

-Rumi

some thoughts on the day

2011-09-11T15:48:00.002-04:00

So I guess everyone has their story about where they were, how they felt on the morning of 9/11 and how they have changed from it. My feelings about all the media madness, flag waving and vigils are conflicted. I understand and acknowledge the pain, but I resist the brainwashing. A lost life is a lost life, I can’t hold lost lives any higher in esteem than I hold the 6236 soldiers that have died since 2001, the lives of those across waters who die at our hand or the lives lost in natural disasters everywhere.

But still, the images of that morning and the days after are imprinted on my soul. And I feel it is important for me to finally write down, if for no other reason than to share with my grandchildren. I was at work and was called back to the executive directors conference room. I walked into the room happy and in just a few seconds, felt myself melting into the floor. There were about ten others, watching silently in horror and then the second plane hit. Panic came over me, adrenaline starting pumping, My only thought is that I needed to be with my son. I left immediately and got to the school right before they decided that they were not going to release any kids. Still today, you do not have a right to pick your child up from school in the case of a disaster/emergency! Elan tells me they were watching in their classrooms. I couldn’t believe they did that, events such as these require parental guidance in my opinion. He was just 7! (reasons number 108 and 109 not to send your kids to public school) So we get home, curled up on the couch together watched the news. We were in shock. We couldn’t get through to our friends and family in NY. The pentagon got hit. Another plane is down in PA. I tried to comfort him but words failed and instead we just cried and snuggled and hoped the attacks were done. I don’t remember much of the days following, it felt like the news was always on somewhere. Soon, the warmth of people coming together, people reaching out to everyone, our shared grief. Quickly, the flags came out, on porches, on cars, on buildings. Emergency prep plans ensued. Then came anger, chest pounding. War became imminent. The world had changed.

And after ten years, time hasn’t shaken this shadow, we’ve been locked into this dysfunctional state of patriotism and fear. Our psyches unable to heal properly. We have responded to terrorism with terrorism... internationally and domestically. At the expense of our sense of true american spirit, we have evolved into a new militarized nation. We spend billions if not trillions on this shift, meanwhile our economy spirals down the drain. Social systems that once made us great, are suddenly wasteful. Ideology that my grandparents came here for, is just to liberal. Where once we created and the whole world followed, now we fight. We have become destructive and have lost the pride in being productive.

I know, I sound like a pessimistic, sentimentalist. I just remember a time when I was wearing a uniform, saluted the flag daily, was proud to be an American. I was just beginning to take my blinders off back then, so a lot of that bliss was ignorance. But still, since 9/11, I have refused to have a flag (either on my porch, on my car or on my body) and I don’t ever see myself getting over that. I have grown hard in my mistrust of government and lack of faith in the power of the people. I am a patriot. One that scrutinizes and questions everything, but one none the less. And I am ridiculously offended by the attempts to manipulate that patriotism.

At the end of the day, I won’t even go to the place that says how we should have reacted and evolved, because the truth is...everything is perfect and I am learning to have faith in that. It is our lesson to bear witness to and suffer from so that we can grow.

Happy Anniversary

2011-08-19T10:09:00.002-04:00

Five years ago today, Jay and I fell hopelessly in love. We were online friends for a year, and then at some point both of our situations changed and the conversations became different. While he was in Iraq we spent hours on the phone, writing and getting to know each other virtually. The depth of our questions and thoughts were intense, the sound of his voice gave me goosebumps, the poetry that flowed out of me was on fire. Finally we met face to face (8/19/06) , and I was nervous about what he would think of me, but I knew that I already loved him. The year that followed was such a beautiful dance inspired by destiny, love, magic and a need to be understood. The memories of all of this were both the foundation that has saved us through trying times and the glaring reminder of what we have since moved away from. Love grows, twists and changes while it survives. To say I am grateful is just not enough. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss the rush, the weightlessness beneath lips, the hyper vibration of new love. Of course its not all gloom, Jay has become my best friend, my strongest ally, my finest opponent, my biggest teacher and my daydreaming idealist partner. I was never taught, nor did I ever witness, what love evolves in to. My parents weren’t in love and the people around me who were, kept this knowledge to themselves. We are conditioned to seek the rush and then what? But what becomes when a couple survives pain, loss, disappointment and real life, is an amazing thing. I feel a part of something that I never knew I wanted. It has allowed me to grow and blossom into the woman I never knew I was or could be. Its amazing…Seven months after meeting we got engaged, five months after getting engaged, we got pregnant. Marriage plans stalled, money priorities shifted and being the people we are, we haven’t gotten around to it yet. Maybe we will, maybe we won’t. In my heart, we were married years ago by the transformation of our selves into us.

Happy Anniversary!

A Dream Within A Dream

2011-08-19T08:56:00.002-04:00

By Edgar Allen Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

crabby

2011-08-03T08:45:00.000-04:00

a silent trickle
down the spine
anxiety spins
its sticky crime
wages war against my logic
plays tricks on my sense of quiet
and leaves a disgusted film
on everything.

a conundrum of enormous proportions

2011-07-28T09:07:00.004-04:00

Earlier this month, the Dalai Lama spoke in Washington DC and I was lucky enough to attend with my son. I have seen him speak many times over the years, but never in person. I was moved, he is Yoda and you can’t not be moved by his humble presence. He spoke about "world peace through inner peace" and I love that, it is truth. If just 25% of the world could find peace within ourselves, there would be an inevitable shift in the world.

In the last month or so, my reoccurring theme of focus is poverty. Here in the US and globally. I am not a sheep hiding under a red white and blue flag, I am aware of what is occurring in the world. Western games of domination, strong-arming and just straight up stealing. Leaving a vast majority of third world residents living of less than a dollar a day. It is shameful. I am broken inside over it. It is as if someone is raising my hand against my will to kill someone….slowly, maliciously.

I’ve often wondered what the Dalai Lama thinks about this dilemma of poverty, inflicted upon others by western governments. How is an average person, living in one of these western countries, to deal with the weight and guilt of such infliction? I may not purposefully direct or intend it, but my tax dollars support it. So, when we are discussing compassion and being one with our brothers and sisters, how do we digest our governments actions against them, being that they are indeed, rooted in our own inactions?

I understand, we change the world with our compassion, one person at a time. But how can we not think globally when 16,000+ children die everyday due to hunger related illnesses? We can do what we can do, but its still our karma. Its still our responsibility. We allow the beast to live and prosper on the backs of our brothers and sisters everywhere. We allow the beast to influence our love, allow them to distract us from their injustice, allow them to dictate all of our futures. I want to slay the beast and it is hard for me to think about feeding one person, when tomorrow there will be thousands more.

I am a fighting Buddhist. I would gladly take on the karma of violence if I knew it would benefit the many, if I knew I would be leveling the playing field, if I knew that it was just. But, yes, indeed, I am naïve. I have superhero dreams of gathering up all the 1%’ers, pilfering their bank accounts and having them serve the poor.

And as I look out my suburban windows, nine miles from the world bank and the IMF…I am frozen. Stuck. Afraid that I am powerless. Scared of what may come should I fight. Selfishly thinking of what my family can loose. It is an conundrum of enormous proportions.

napkin notes

2011-06-14T15:43:00.000-04:00

I am not here to please you,
to help you sleep at night,
to help ease your need to control.
I am not striving for your perfection,
nor my own.
I am trying to find a balance,
that has little to do
with your judgment,
your fears,
or your inability to understand.
I am me. Not you.
Born into my life. Not yours.
To walk my path,
often slightly off
or blatantly askew.
Sometimes hermetic,
other times flamboyant.
I am trying to be kind
and compassionate
and bold in everything.
But,
I keep getting knocked down,
kicked and clucked at
for things beside the point.
Live your life,
it’s the only one you should rely on changing.
The only one obligated to listen.
Everything else is just noise…
Ranting,
Finger pointing,
Ransom notes,
A character hoax
In a book I would never read.
So do you,
Because you need it.
I am warm and comfy in the odd house
that raises strange birds and quirky chicks.
I don’t want to fit in,
blend in
or even participate in the madness
of A-alike, B-alike or C-alike.
I am living in the realm somewhere past Z.
Hanging on to the cliff of nothingness
laughing.

*i found a napkin in a purse I used last summer with this scribbled all over. I don't remember who/what inspired the feeling, but I love finding little pieces of myself like that*

women

2011-06-08T08:58:00.001-04:00

Im feeling mean,
spiteful and caught up in a treason filled dream
where so-called friends tip off the enemy
and exchange whispers of my shitty personality.
Overwhelmed and paranoid,
while I whittle my stock down to crumbs
to sort through
shiny gems
tumbled stones
and plastic bits of bitches
that keep you close to observe,
instead of love.
I’m uncut and jagged
it takes the investment of time to reveal my luster
I may not be eager to spill my beans to make you feel comfortable.
And you mistake that for arrogance,
a guarded snotty façade
in which you are being judged.
The truth is...
I am prudent with women,
I learned early how to tiptoe,
strategically assess moods, vibes and intents.
Easily broken,
I love genuinely and deeply.
I am unable to casually connect.
The truth is…
I prefer the loyalty of men
Where discretion is valued,
Ripping yourself open is not.
The truth is…
I shouldn’t care if you like me
I should know that its your loss,
And leave it alone
Because to you,
A stone is just a stone.

This past year, my daughter has been going to this cooperative nursery school for 2.5 hours a day, 2 days a week. The parents "co-op" a few times a month, where they are in the class room helping the teachers, cleaning and such. You also have to participate as a member, serving on committees, events, etc. Its a great school, a great idea and I love the kids. The parents...not so much. I haven't felt this "unliked" since high school. I am a generally warm person, always trying to put others at ease, but I don't put myself out there much. Im not always comfortable with new people, but don't usually have trouble, but here...man...its like I have the word BITCH written on my forehead. And the only reason it really bothers me, is because it involves my child. I don't get it...really.

Regardless, I signed up for next year (because Inara loves it!). Maybe I need a mantra to keep me lifted out of the bullshit :)

Gil Scott-Heron ~ RIP~ 1949-2011

2011-05-28T10:01:00.003-04:00

Winter in America

From the Indians who welcomed the pilgrims
And to the buffalo who once ruled the plains
Like the vultures circling beneath the dark clouds
Looking for the rain
Looking for the rain

Just like the cities staggered on the coastline
Living in a nation that just can't stand much more
Like the forest buried beneath the highway
Never had a chance to grow
Never had a chance to grow

And now it's winter
Winter in America
Yes and all of the healers have been killed
Or sent away, yeah
But the people know, the people know
It's winter
Winter in America
And ain't nobody fighting
'Cause nobody knows what to say
Save your soul, Lord knows
From Winter in America

The Constitution
A noble piece of paper
With free society
Struggled but it died in vain
And now Democracy is ragtime on the corner
Hoping for some rain
Looks like it's hoping
Hoping for some rain

And I see the robins
Perched in barren treetops
Watching last-ditch racists marching across the floor
But just like the peace sign that vanished in our dreams
Never had a chance to grow
Never had a chance to grow

And now it's winter
It's winter in America
And all of the healers have been killed
Or been betrayed
Yeah, but the people know, people know
It's winter, Lord knows
It's winter in America
And ain't nobody fighting
Cause nobody knows what to save
Save your souls
From Winter in America

And now it's winter
Winter in America
And all of the healers done been killed or sent away
Yeah, and the people know, people know
It's winter
Winter in America
And ain't nobody fighting
Cause nobody knows what to save
And ain't nobody fighting
Cause nobody knows, nobody knows
And ain't nobody fighting
Cause nobody knows what to save

Home is Where the Hatred Is

A junkie walking through the twilight
I’m on my way home
I left three days ago,
but noone seems to know i’m gone
Home is where the hatred is
Home is filled with pain and it,
might not be such a bad idea if i never, never went home again
Stand as far away from me as you can and ask me why
hang on to your rosary beads
close your eyes to watch me die
you keep saying, kick it, quit it, kick it, quit it
God, but did you ever try
to turn your sick soul inside out
so that the world, so that the world
can watch you die
Home is where i live inside my white powder dreams
home was once an empty vacuum that’s filled now with my silent screams
home is where the needle marks
try to heal my broken heart
and it might not be such a bad idea
if i never, if i never went home again.

Running

Because I always feel like running
Not away, because there is no such place
Because if there was, I would have found it by now
Because it's easier to run,
Easier than staying and finding out you're the only one who didn't run
Because running will be the way your life and mine will be described,
As in "the long run"
Or as in having "given someone a run for his money"
Or as in "running out of time"
Because running makes me look like everyone else, though I hope there will ever be cause for that
Because I will be running in the other direction, not running for cover
Because if I knew where cover was, I would stay there and never have to run for it
Not running for my life, because I have to be running for something of more value to be running and not in fear
Because the thing I fear cannot be escaped, eluded, avoided, hidden from, protected from, gotten away from,
Not without showing the fear as I see it now
Because closer, clearer, no sir, nearer
Because of you and because of that nice
That you quietly, quickly be causing
And because you're going to see me run soon and because you're going to know why I'm running then
You'll know then
Because I'm not going to tell you now

everything I love in an artist - rest in peace, may you find the dimension where the revolution is no longer necessary.

patting myself on the back

2011-05-18T15:27:00.000-04:00

Almost year ago on June 7th, a friend took a picture of me that I hated and launched a revolution!

I had my son early, I was 21 and my body bounced back pretty quickly. I had my daughter when I was 35, it was a difficult/complicated pregnancy, a very ripped apart delivery and I spent 2 years nursing her. At 37, my body was wrecked LOL, seriously. After I stopped nursing, I quickly lost 10-15 pounds, but I wasn’t happy with my shape. My energy was pretty low and my motivation was zero, until I saw that picture.

Since then, I have committed to making exercise a part of my life. It wasn’t about loosing weight, it was about regaining control and strength. Three weeks early, I have reached a pretty big milestone. In the past 11 months, I have walked 500 miles (805 kilometers)! That’s more 1.3 million additional steps, about an average of 12 miles per week. Now, I walk, run, do core and strength training at least 4 times per week. I make time for it, it gives me perspective and burns some of my restless energy better than yoga…its good stuff.

So today, I am celebrating! To my health …cheers :)

The Saint

2011-05-16T09:48:00.001-04:00

There is no suffering for the one
who has completed the journey,
who is freed from sorrow,
who has freed oneself on all sides,
who has thrown off all chains.

The thoughtful exert themselves;
they do not delight in a home;
like swans who have left their lake,
they leave their house and home.

Those who have no accumulations, who eat properly,
who have perceived release and unconditioned freedom,
their path is difficult to understand,
like that of birds in the sky.

Those whose passions are stilled,
who are indifferent to pleasure,
who have perceived release and unconditioned freedom,
their path is difficult to understand,
like that of birds in the sky.

Even the gods admire one whose senses are controlled,
like horses well tamed by the driver,
who is free from pride and free from appetites.
Such a dutiful one who is tolerant like the earth,
who is firm like a pillar,
who is like a lake without mud:
no new births are in store for this one.

One's thought is calm;
calm is one's word and one's action
when one has obtained freedom by true knowledge
and become peaceful.
The one who is free from gullibility,
who knows the uncreated, who has severed all ties,
removed all temptations, renounced all desires,
is the greatest of people.

In a village or in a forest, in a valley or on the hills,
wherever saints live, that is a place of joy.
Forests are delightful; where others find no joy,
there the desireless will find joy,
for they do not seek the pleasures of the senses.

- Lord Buddha

ego

2011-04-26T16:50:00.003-04:00

My father is a chauvinist, always has been. Vertically challenged, with an intellectual case of short mans disease, he is dismissive to women and undermines their authority at every imagined slight. Graduating from high school, he told me that college wasn’t for me, that perhaps I was better suited for secretary school. At the age of 19, I joined the Navy, he told me I wouldn’t make it. I stopped speaking to him for a few years and there are days lately when I want to cut him out again due to his disrespect.

I am an over achiever. I am fiercely self sufficient. I am fearless and brave to the point of arrogant confidence. Anything that supposedly cannot be done, I will do and will silently throw it around in my aura of “up yours”. I do not boast, I no longer pound my chest in pride…these days Im content on watching people squirm in their need to size me up.

So, needless to say, the two are linked. I have strove for my fathers approval blindly my whole life and didn’t realize his chauvinism until the last five years or so. My over achieving and desire to prove him wrong has branded me, molded me. And now, as I routinely find myself chaffed by his disrespectful and dismissive comments, I realize finally, that I threaten him. A coward, a small man with insecure thought processes…I should pity him. Instead, this revelation makes me tilt my head waaaaaay back and laugh from the depths of my core. All the pain he inflicted on my sense of who I am, all the unjust judgment, all the personal affronts…they were just his way of posturing.

The number one enemy of compassion, is the ego.

My ego is stemmed from his chauvinism.
My ego is why his chauvinism hurts me.
My ego prevents me from forgiving either one of my parents.
My ego stands in my way like a fortress, it taints my progress.
My ego is silent and loud at the same time, it colors every action, every intent.

Conceptually, I understand how to rid myself of the obvious forms of attachment, but I grip onto my ego like a life preserver. Who would I be without the ego that has shaped and defined me?

green colored glasses

2011-04-19T14:44:00.000-04:00

Its funny how spring plays tricks on the mind…everywhere I look there is green, creeping into every crevice, filling in the air between branches, gracefully carpeting every hill, every field…just a few weeks ago the stark barren contrast was a depressing ode to loss…now I can barely remember the feeling. I look out and expect to see a trace of it somewhere, but thankfully it has retreated. It’s a testament to the power of rejuvenation. A witness to the minds the ability to forget and discard the unpleasantness. Spring is bursting at the seams and with it, my hope, my gratitude, my spirits, all full and ripe. Yes, YES!! Indeed.

stale

2011-04-15T14:12:00.002-04:00

the air I breathe is full of naked moments left behind in a fire,
charred, the journals of my once inspired mind fell to dust.
now more of a nuisance,
a nagging tug at my inability to create magic.
it falls around and lingers on every breath,
choking the whispers of my forgotten intuitive prose.
the neglect I feel from myself is glaring.
to offer myself upon the letters that produce words,
which build lines, that create pieces of me,
is no longer a part of the air I breathe.
the science of my charm sits un-soothed,
blistered and raw.
the urge ever present, but the flow never expressed.
defeat collects in the absence of encouragement,
it pools and assembles war against the pen
using insecure tactics and bindings that pinch your nerve to try anyway.
I yearn for the community that previously made me whole...
full of likeminded artists who filled the air I breathe
with vibrant colors and imaginative rhythm.
sated my lungs with purpose that bled to my fingers instinctually,
possessed with the need to release and engrave my emotion on the page.
but not today,
not in this fade that has become my insipid existence
starved for oxygen
greedy for a view outside myself
to rejuvenate this stale air I breathe.

April Showers

2011-04-05T12:26:00.000-04:00

its another rainy, cold day and Inara and I are spending the afternoon snuggled up on the couch watching Spirited Away for the 112th time. Im fighting off sinking moods and melancholy mindsets with chocolate and then end up pushing myself to hard on the treadmill. Obsessing about the physical is the one thing that trumps my mental.

Thought it would be a good day to be inspired ...

Caged Bird
BY MAYA ANGELOU

A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn bright lawn
and he names the sky his own
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Dependent Origination

2011-03-26T11:51:00.000-04:00

"he who sees dependent origination sees the Dharma and he who sees the Dharma sees the Buddha."

"The progression of causes and conditions is the reality which applies to all things, from the natural environment, which is an external, physical condition, to the events of human society, ethical principles, life events and the happiness and suffering which manifest in our own minds.

These systems of causal relationship are part of the one natural truth. Our happiness within this natural system depends on having some knowledge of how it works and practicing correctly within it, through addressing problems on the personal, social, and environmental levels.

Given that all things are interconnected, and all are affecting each other, success in dealing with the world lies in creating harmony within it."

"The cycle of Dependent Origination is a description of a natural process, not a path of practice. However, the first set of right and wrong practices described above describes practice in terms of the cycle of Dependent Origination. Is there a contradiction here? It may be answered that the Dependent Origination cycle illustrated here (and it is only illustrated as a form of practice in this one Sutta) seeks to describe practical application. The Commentators to this Sutta ask the question: ignorance may be a condition for good actions, or merit (puññabhisankhara), or it may serve to generate the state of highly stable concentration (aneñjabhisankhara); why then is it said to be wrong practice? Answering their question, the Commentators state that when people are motivated by a desire to be or to get something, no matter what they may do -- whether they develop the five higher knowledges (abhiñña) or the eight attainments (samapatti) -- it is all wrong practice. On the other hand, those who are motivated by an aspiration for Nibbana, who are aiming for relinquishment, or the liberated mind, rather than attaining or obtaining something, will always have right practice, even when doing such minor actions as making offerings"

Dependent Origination has always made me feel like I am stuck in circles, my mind refusing to be pinned down to a true grasping. Seriously, I've been doing this for 20+ years, at what point am I going to get this!?

non duality

2011-03-24T21:30:00.000-04:00

last week I was heavy with fever and deep thoughts...I started thinking that if the universe is perfect, containing just as much positive and negative in its balance, then positive can never overcome negative, they merely exist in unison. by feeding positivity, you then also feed negativity...and vice versa.

and if you are feeding both simultaneously, are they not the same animal? Of course they are. There is no separation. It exists, as do we, a part of the whole.

From the Upanishads:

"Now this self, verily, is the world of all beings. In so far as he gives shelter and food to men, he becomes the world of men. In so far as he gives grass and water to the animals, he becomes the world of animals. In so far as beasts and birds, even to the ants find a living in his houses he becomes their world. Verily, as one wishes non-injury for his own world, so all beings wish non-injury for him who has this knowledge.”

And then, when I think about the Qabalah Tree of Life, the one thing that always stuck with me was the fact that we are all ether, we just need to stop fooling around with the trickery of ones mind:

"The you that you think is you is not you. It is a dream you. In fact, the you that you think is you is a dreamer inside a dreamer Inside a dreamer inside a dreamer. You are the King of the universe who has fallen asleep and is dreaming he is the Queen who has fallen asleep and is dreaming she is the Prince, who has fallen asleep and is dreaming he is a sleeping Princess." ~ The Chicken Qabalah of Rabbi Lamed Ben Clifford

Are we so fooled by our 'intelligence'?

And once we fully accept non dualistic thoughts as an optional mind frame, do we not truly transcend?

If the universe is perfect, then we have nothing to fear...?

"If anyone listens to this discourse and is neither filled with alarm nor awe nor dread, be it known that such a one is of remarkable achievement."

but then what is our responsibility? what is our contribution? to love the whole...to embrace the whole and contribute to the whole as your divinity dictates?

I need a guru to help me sort through :)

whats next?

2011-03-24T14:41:00.002-04:00

There are robins singing at my window
Spring emerging
reaching up through the earth
more life, less cold.

There are weapons being fired
wars rising,
falling from the sky
more strife, less life.

There are lies pouring from the air waves
propaganda ensues,
playing on numb minds
more greed, less truth.

There are winds calling for change
vibrations rising…or falling
Supermoons, tsunamis, tectonic shifts, cosmic alignments.

and…the trees are falling
their skeletal remains laid across sprouting green.

and…the sky is filled unnaturally
with mechanic butterflies who visit when we sleep.

and…the world is filled with pending doom
It quietly attacks us
while we paint ourselves happy.

Everything is heightened
like hairs standing up,
the static pull
has every living thing in a state of
Whats Next?

But…
There are robins singing at my window
And soft murmurs on warm breezes
There are daffodils blooming
And trees covered in sweet red buds
And the green is spreading in the peripheral
And the luxuries and promise of Spring flaunts itself at my feet
While my heart bleeds
and the vibration penetrates my vision
dreading whats next.

far

2011-03-07T09:13:00.003-05:00

“and the masks, that the monsters wear, to feed upon their prey”

so far fetched,
so far off,
so unlike your reality

The truth of you is toxic
Overly sedated,
judgmental
and bitter.

The truth of your discontent
lies somewhere in the folds
that barrier you,
and enfold your pain.

so far gone
so far away
so sad to watch.

And the truth
for me
is revealing itself
at our every encounter.
You and I no longer connect.
You and I don’t hear the same things.
Don’t vibe right,
Don’t have much in common,
other than the years.

One by one,
the players fall
The king,
The queen
The jester
The nursemaid
And I am unable to recognize
their decent until I have been pulled into it.
My loyalty is blind
My empathy is wide
and each of you
exploits my innards
to ease your own pain.

To view this circle from the outside
we are all poisonous,
venomous beings
careening around love and hate.

I choose to self preserve.
I choose distance.

It is no longer my desire to get you to get me.
It is no longer my expectation to get love from blood.

so far fetched,
so far off,
so far gone.

Your masks are slipping.
I see your truth.
And finally I see how your truth,
infects his truth,
and her truth,
and our truth.

Go ahead,
Throw your knives.
Get your jabs in.
CREATE what you will.
I am no victim.

I have wings…
pulled by magnetic forces
to fulfill my destiny

I have wings…
that vibrate fearlessly
and open new dimensions.

Far away from you.

Saul Williams - She

2010-12-13T13:48:00.002-05:00

"i have come to tell you that i have come. on the way, i noted women transfixed by the light coming from their centers. their heads are bowed. they have learned that if you tilt your neck to the slightest degree and hold your head just so you can look into the lost worlds. they are there retrieving their young from the clutches of negligent daycare. they have come to care for the night. many of them are glowing brighter than the moon herself. thank the heavens she is not jealous in her luminescence, for i have seen many women glowing beyond the intensity of the moon and thought that perhaps the night had mirrored itself in the wake of this glorious occasion: our communion. yes, i have come. i have had a safe journey, although my fears had mounted against me. there were many mountains of my own making and valleys of days without vision."

Saul Williams ~ from the book She

ten pulses

2010-12-13T13:47:00.002-05:00

her spirit limps
down lonely sterile halls
fists clenched
lips bit
while her body
lays lingering
behind bars with
mickey mouse sheets
and chemical stinks.

created in the pressure of a memory
her restlessness blooms
eager magenta moons
tidal quips
seeking lifts
and warmth
from a mothers arms.

slippery weak lungs beg
for forgiveness
for deeds of another lifetime
her mind,
young and deaf
listens only for her voice
between the nurses page
and the detached fear
of her own rage
slamming against the wooden rails.

created in the hesitation of a mother
a daughter drowns
in the fluid of pneumonia.
the thick and wet
of abandonment.

(a ten word writing excercise: lonely, eager, magenta, lingering, slippery, tidal, pressure, deaf, seeking, hesitation)

Neruda

2010-11-22T11:08:00.000-05:00

THE HEAVENLY POETS
Pablo Neruda

What have you done
you intellectualists?
you mystifiers?
you false existentialist sorcerers?
you surrealistic poppies shining on a tomb?
you pale grubs in the capitalist cheese?
What did you do
about the kingdom of anguish?
about this dark human being
kicked into submission?
about this head
submerged in manure?
about this essence
of harsh, trampled lives?
You didn't do anything but escape
you sold piles of debris
you looked for heavenly hairs
cowardly plants, broken fingernails
"pure beauty" "magic".
Your works were those of poor frightened folk
trying to keep your eyes from looking
trying to protect their delicate pupils
so you could make for your living
a plate of dirty scraps
which the masters flung to you.
Without seeing that the stones are in agony,
without defending, without conquering,
blinder than the wreaths
in the cemetery when the rain
falls on the motionless
rotten flowers on the tomb.

Detached

2010-11-22T10:47:00.003-05:00

Disclaimer (lol): I was thinking it would be easy for him to stumble upon this and be hurt. The truth is, it was a purge, an angry, vile, silent rant...and it felt good. But it is not the whole truth, it was only a moment.

At the moment,
I have no hope that we can make it
No feelings of permanence
Only neglect, bitterness and solitude.
You’re ugly
You’re full of rage
Your victimized reality bores me.

At the moment,
I feel I put out more than is given
Stroking your ego,
Soothing my own hurt,
I constantly wonder who has your attention
Because its certainly not present here.
You’re absent
You’re guarded
Your lack of intimacy is stifling.

At the moment,
I am living with a stranger
Who avoids me.
The space between us is ravenous.

At the moment,
I am daydreaming about something new
Not pouring energy into repairing
Something of value.
Because the worth has faded
Time has passed it over
And left a sheen of fuck yous.

At the moment,
I am finding my alone happy
Not a single thought of who I once fell in love with
Not a single regret of how we used to be
Not one tiny grain of hope for us.
Alone I can do,
Misery with you,
Seems unbearable.

At the moment,
I don’t know if I love you.
I don’t know if I care if you don’t love me.
I don’t trust you.
Your secrecy has outworn its welcome.
Your distance has created havoc.
Your hollow excuses are cartoonish.

At the moment,
I feel bad for writing these things
It is difficult to contain
My hurt feelings popping up
Like heated kernels
of love lost.

At the moment,
I want to keep this all to myself
And watch you flounder
In this sea of bullshit.
I want to bide my time.
Sever my feelings.
And become detached
Like you.

a nagging nag

2010-11-09T13:00:00.001-05:00

Write me, write me, write me scream the words in my head
As I toil with the unimportant, the sarcastic and the hopeless
My will falls flat and leaves the words to remain disconnected to the greater whole of creativity.

Write what? Which thought? Which emotion? Which tricky piece of word play will tickle my inspiration?

Write about nothing, write lists about aspirations, write about your flaws, write about your guilt, write about your longing, your staccato, your ambivalent passion…

Write about where you want to be, who you want to be, write about your past, your secrets. Write about tomorrow that seriously may not come, write about your faith, your pessimism, your hopeful vibration.

Write about love you’ve lost, love you found and love that never touched your spirit but drew maps all over your body.

Write about your loneliness that exists everywhere no matter how many warm bodies fill up a room.

Write about the rapid changes, the flagrant fixed and the wildly wobbly nature that tortures you.

Write…Write…Write

Create a whole by piercing a hole in your protective bubble.

fly your flag...

2010-11-09T12:58:00.000-05:00

No longer tethered to that corporate professional pole, my freak flag blossoms in the wind

No longer concerned about my slightly askew point of view, my peripheral experience is my strength

No longer embarrassed by my instinctive use of words, like poisonous flowers, harmonious and hard hitting

Camouflaged for so long in just trying to not be noticed, I forgot how different I am. Not that I ever wanted to be normal, but still, I was putting on a show to survive in an environment that is stifled. A world that considers different, crazy. I am definitely preoccupied with and afraid of crazy. Old friends, we often sit on the edge of sanity together. She lives in my bones, in the fat of my mother’s flesh and in the tears of my sister. But, I am starting to understand. If I repress my nature for the sake of others or for the sake of my own fear, I will go crazy. TO THYNE OWNSELF BE TRUE. I am unique. I am beautiful and ugly, forward thinking and repressed, compassionate and angry, mother and child. I do not hear they way others hear, or see, or feel…my perspective is colored by my emotions and my intuition. It could be said that there is nothing more pertinent, nothing more real, nothing more necessary in this world.

2010-08-04T09:39:00.002-04:00

"The only thing wrong with you is thinking that there is something wrong with you."

I am coming to the realization that I blame myself for everything, it is my first response to any sort of discord or failure, "it must be me". This is so f@cked up when I actually think about it! #1 - its arrogant, like I have the power and the influence to control other peoples reactions or feelings #2 - its self-absorbed, like everything circles around me and my actions or feelings #3 - its self-hating/rejecting, like a cycle, its a way of confirming our low self worth.

For example, my man is away for the month of August. I sent him a poem I wrote during our falling-in-love phase. I wanted to give him something to keep in his heart while he was away. He ignored it, no response, no acknowledgment. I meant to make him smile, warm him up a little. But it could have been taken differently on his end. I can't control how it was taken, but my first reaction was..."maybe he thought I was trying to manipulate or control, or maybe it came off as clingy...blah, blah, blah. I automatically blamed myself. But in truth, it was rude of him, we have been together for 4 years, he knows that this inaction, would sting.

But it got me thinking that in our relationship, I take the blame for our failures/holes...I never say "well, Jay is just a little inconsiderate". I should, I should totally acknowledge his contribution as a whole. But instead, I feel like my flaws are the root of ALL of our issues...and that is just not the truth.

Im so over blaming myself for everything. The overwhelming amount of guilt I feel at any given moment is stifling. I am me, all the positive and all the negative, but I am good person and I mean well in all my actions. I need to acknowledge my worth, my value...not my sit in my negatives all the time.

2010-07-30T13:45:00.002-04:00

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

Anatole France

so true...perhaps my uneasiness stems from straddling two worlds. eventually I must let go of the old and my sentimentality is holding on for dear life. the last 15 years have served me so well, independently, strong and able. I valued these things about myself. The new direction requires less sufficiency and more softness, more openness. Those attributes I also value...but they are so vulnerable.

drifter

2010-07-30T13:33:00.002-04:00

I’m drifting in and out of motivation and melancholy
Reaching for dry air,
Saturated by the humid nature of myself
Drifting amongst waves of silence and outbursts of passion, that only I can hear
I have no idea what it looks like from the outside, but on the inside it is a pendulum
The equilibrium pivots from death to life in a single breath
Drifting aimlessly without an anchor to pull me back into some semblance of relief
I am not angry, I am not sad, I am ambivalent, kind of numb and troublingly disoriented
The span of 24 hours feels ancient, I forgot what I said, how I reacted or what I even felt
Relaxed, without strain or tension, I coast and forget
Tight and stressed, I recorded every detail of every moment.
Drifting from solitude to a desperate need for interaction
And getting ruffled from the unavailability of myself.
I feel so different from myself
The focus and the determination are slipping and there is a panic to that realization
Will I be me without those attributes?
Is this permanent?
Am I fading?
Am I becoming a fragment of my previous self?
Do I care?
Because I’m not sure that I do.
For once in my life I am not carrying the weight.
For once in my life I do not have puff up and appear greater and stronger than I actually feel.
There is such a liberation going on inside of me without those restraints
But it scares me to wander, to drift too far away from the middle line that I’ve always considered ‘normal’
I despise my immature emotions
I feel foolish with these bursts of feeling, and yet, they are true, they are honest, they are me.
Is it possible that I’ve walked around for 38 years wearing someone else’s skin?
And now that it is shedding, I feel naked…exposed and undeveloped.
I’m not sure where the fear is rooted, going insane? Being vulnerable? Losing everything that society tells me to value?
I am in a state of flux
Drifting around the expanse of my true self and I don’t know how to be.
Who am I?

More tricky therapy…

2010-06-17T09:48:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was exhausting, but I woke up aware. I get it now. I understand where the discord is coming from and why I am at odds with family. There comes a time in your life, for some people, that we allow ourselves to build a new family unit with another. Normally, this is an extension of your family. In my case, coming from a co-dependent, dysfunctional mess of insecurity, this came as a shock to the rest of my family. When I was 21, I had Elan, together, we built our double unit and kept my family. When Jay came into my life, he was accepted and loved by my family. When I got pregnant with Inara, everything changed. Finally, at 36 I had my own true family unit to build. Finally, I had unconditional love and support from a man that I could love and support. This is when I started changing. I bucked it at first, afraid to be reliant on him as family, afraid that he would leave or fail, afraid that he would learn to not love me. I was consumed with this family, the baby, my son and Jay. I began to pull away from the dysfunction because I had so much on my plate. This pulling away hurt people’s feelings. My father was no longer a male figure of importance because he started being so bitter. My sister’s co-dependent relationship with me was so heavy and no matter how much I would try to build her up, she would not build herself up, so I stopped trying to build her up. I had awakened to the fact that my family demanded much of me, but gave me very little positive in return. When you finally have a positive unit, it is easy to see the cracks in the glass that you once lived in.

So all this discord, I can trace back to my growing, my transforming into a person who is a part of a new unit. In a perfect world, we can have our family and our new unit. In my world, the immaturity, stunted growth and selfishness makes this difficult. I want to rebuild with my sister, I do not want to rebuild with my father, but my father is still a figure of importance and influence with my relationship with my sister. Its tricky. I need to learn how to have a non-co-dependent relationship with her, and that is tricky. I have always been the rock, and I provided the rock out of love. But I cannot be her rock, I can not be her sole support system. I used to have a book, Co-Dependent No More, but I gave it to a friend…I hate that I learn something and forget the fundamentals, drives me nuts!

Now, my father, I cannot forgive…I’m hard as they come once I’ve been burned. So I must learn to allow to maneuver without allowing his opinions/judgment/gossip/nastiness, to penetrate. For the majority of my life, his opinion was so important to me, I valued it, cherished it. When his view changed, it forces me to change my own view of myself. Not literally, but overall, I subconsciously feel worth less because he no longer holds me in regard. In my perfect reality, I would not see or speak with him, but I feel my son would resent that. I could try to be more compassionate about his hurt, but he was so malicious and he is so calculated that I just can’t find it in myself. So I will wait, maneuver and survive.

People don’t like change…this is true for families. Families that are built on favoritism, addiction, resentment and anger, even less so. I am not a stagnant person, I seek the movement, the chaos, the transformation…and I can’t expect everyone in my life to understand and/or embrace that. That was kind of a revelation for me this morning.

three mistakes

2010-06-16T15:43:00.000-04:00

Today, I was my sisters birthday. I took her to lunch, knowing that things have been strained between us for a while, but she is my sister. About 10 minutes into lunch I mentioned something to her about my son. Her face contorted and squinched and her vibe became kind of hostile. At first, I did not press it, but then I got kind of offended because she clearly disapproved. FIRST mistake…I cared, that she thought my take on things were wrong. SECOND mistake, my pride as a mother struck the flame, this is my child. She was passively aggressive in her expression, it is the story of my family and that thought just set me off. I confronted her, we got heated and the strain that has existed between us, spilled all over the table. She threw some real nasty things at me. Our food came and I asked for to-go boxes…I was not going to sit there with her anymore. I was miserable. I missed how we once were. I ruined her birthday. I regretted that I have been trying to establish boundaries with her and in hindsight, realized that I had neglected her. It is a co-dependent sibling relationship. She can suck me dry sometimes and instead of explaining my boundaries with her, I just threw up walls. THIRD mistake, I cannot just avoid people. In avoiding her, I have created anger, resentment and general bad feelings in her. That was not my intent, I was just hoping for a little understanding. We gathered and walked out together, barely speaking and then the rain started and we started apologizing. We made up, partially. I feel drained, exhausted and inept really. I should have said so much more. Then, as I am reliving the whole thing in my head I realize that I need to work on myself, because most of this discord is my fault. My sister has her flaws, but they contributed little to this day.

If I didn’t care about what people thought/said about me, I might still have a relationship with my mother, my father and others in my family. But the truth is, I have always cared when it came to family and that is why I barely speak to any of them. Their perceptions have always been so hurtful to me. But if I wasn’t being told by my sister, these perceptions, would I continue to love them and interact with them in bliss? I don’t know. At some point your family is not privy to special treatment. Shitty people don’t deserve to be held close in my life. But I may not have viewed them as shitty if someone didn’t confide what they were saying behind my back…I don’t know, that’s a tough one.

So I am going to try to not care. It is none of my business what others think of me whether it is coming from the source or some third-party…I’m not interested. This does not mean that people wont continue to throw their opinions/thoughts/perceptions around, but I must choose the proper reaction…which should always be ambivalence. Not offended, not hurt, not annoyed, just…whatever, its not important. Just like its not important when people talk religion to me, I have moved past caring to interact in these conversations. I must train myself to not interact because its just an unproductive cycle. Why should I care? Their perception is not a testament or validation of my worth, they are only their reality. I should spend my energy on being a better person, but I’m still not going to care if anyone else thinks I am doing a good job at it. That is within. I’ll fill up my bucket myself, thank you.

2010-06-16T10:23:00.002-04:00

The last few weeks feel like a languid dream. Finding my way through myself is an ever present activity and when I come out on the other end I wonder how i am perceived by others. In truth, I care little about what people think of me, until I am in a mental moment like today when I reflect back on the years and wonder. by then its to late. impressions are made immediately, my behavior or misbehavior reflects on me only by those who judge...and all people judge. I'm talking in circles because I am starting to realize that I am a bit stingy with my friendships. I give 110% if you are a friend, but calling you a friend is a rare thing for me. Its not because I don't value friends, don't see the beauty and light in people, its just that I don't want to be vulnerable with people. I would rather stand alone, then hold hands with danger. I was watching that movie Up In The Air, I could relate to the lies he was telling himself. It may be easier, but it is not more fulfilling.

I am not who I was 20 years ago, but I am not as far removed as I would like to expect from myself. My nature has remained consistent, through all my revelations, all my evolution, I am still basically the same, only perhaps slightly more compassionate. That is kind of funnywierdstupid to me...

2010-06-04T20:27:00.000-04:00

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
6/4/2010

It's confusing when your intuition is so strong because you cannot justify your actions. You want to trust your feelings because you know how psychically inclined you are today. Your hunches may be correct, yet it's challenging to discern a cause-and-effect relationship between the facts at your disposal and your emotional response to what's happening. Stop trying to over-intellectualize everything; just act on your instincts.

~~~~~

cool...

Hope

2010-06-04T15:24:00.003-04:00

I ran across some very interesting concepts in the last few days.

The movie Zeitgeist (www.zeitgeistmovie.com), is basically what many term as a conspiracy theory documentary. But the truth is facts (not the possibility) about our money driven world society. Upon first hearing what a world without money might be like, I found myself picking it apart, thinking it naive...wouldn't men always want to dominate and control? Perhaps not, perhaps that is learned behavior. wouldn't such a society be ripe for corruption? Perhaps not, if people were content, full, richly stimulated by the common good.

From this movie, I found The Venus Project, www.thevenusproject.com. Which of course got me thinking about technology. Profit driven technology is repressed technology. When I look at how far we advanced in some areas and not in others, it is obvious. The unharnessed clean and sustainable energy sources are AMAZING and limitless in their possibility. I honestly do think a society can be created that participates in the pattern of Nature, as opposed to abusing and controlling. Again, money has become the worlds religion, it has programed us all to believe that there can be nothing else. It has programmed us to accept a very small, limited short-sightedness.

Today I found a Awakening As One, a very sexy, polished, but still inspiring, movement. www.awakeningasone.com I have always, always believed in the vibration. I have always been able to feel it. It exists for all creatures and plant life and it you pay attention, you can observe it. This "Quickening" they speak of is happening, everywhere. The signs and oracles are all around us waiting to be seen and one that third eye opens, it is a little overwhelming. But when taken with a simple concept of BEING THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD, it inspires and gives me hope. I want to inspire others, not those who are not so inclined, but rather, inspire those on the verge. People who feel wrong, who feel guilt, people who understand that we can not continue in this hatefulness. Those are the people who feel it, but do not think outside the box that is containing them. They can not imagine how they can change things, but they know change is necessary. These people are hammered back into thoughtlessness by a lack of hope, a lack of putting the pieces together and painting a new picture in their mind.

Without sound like to much like the crunchy tree hugging witch that I am, I am convinced that the vibrational resonance in the world is rising...I feel it. My antenna is up and things (stones, books, tarot cards), knowledge and understanding have been coming at me steady for the last few months. At first, I laughed at myself. I thought, yeah right, you are having a spiritual awakening, in your head. But the more I trusted the possibility, trusted the intuition, trusted the vision, the more I am sure that this is real. Couple that with the knowledge that people all over the world are feeling this too, that is hopeful to me. In 1999-2000, I remember feeling the vibration, my mind was opening, but I shut it out, it was to much for me to bear alone and I had no one to reach to in order to get some reassurance. We've become so "rational" that it is hard to trust that which we know when we have been told that which we know is crazy. Today that is not the case.

I am inspired, wide open and participating in the pattern.

Slave

2010-06-01T11:24:00.001-04:00

Frozen in time
Frozen am I
To release
I hesitate
While my mind swirls around the complex and the frightening
I’ve locked up my voice
With depression and anger,
And the thunderstruck realization of the world I live in
Frozen and fragile
Thin ice
While my water rages on underneath
Pressure building but no release
Is this a decent into a place I don’t want to be
A place of hurt feelings and obsessive distractions
A place of discord and blindness
Veiled under self-absorption
I am bigger than that,
Stronger than that
I reach for the hand of my internal resolve
And it fails me
My head stuffed with cotton
My hands tied with thorny vines
And I scoff at myself, with my self inflicted misery
Pull out
Thaw out
Reach out
Before the dark water reaches my lungs

Frozen in time
Frozen am I
This is fear
A hopeless fear
One nation under siege
One world under destruction
And I stand here
Knowing how to speak but refusing to do so
Knowing how to be the light, but refusing to let it flourish
Refusing to let it spread
Wrapped up in this heavy fabric
This cocoon of my fear
I am trapped by my own consciousness
The power of the mind has squashed my resilience
Fooled me into believing the hype
That I am nothing more than a physical vessel
That matter is omnipotent
That all that exists in this physical existence
Is more important than…anything
Foolishness is the thought
That remains trapped in matter

Frozen in time
Frozen am I
Absorbing the struggles of others
Allowing the strife to penetrate my spirit
Hyper sensitive
In a over stimulating world of despair
Blinders keep me ‘normal’
They also insult my sense of fairness
My need for justice
My need for rebellion
The ever elusive balance
Knowing and caring and caring to know
I have to know
I don’t know how to not care
My mind is doing pretzels
To thwart my efforts of figuring this out
Of finding a way to know and not be overwhelmed.
I am startled by how impressionable I feel
Naked
With a thousand currents of negative vibe shooting at me
Chaffed
Burned by the ice of my surrounded consciousness

Frozen in time
Frozen am I
‘none but ourselves can free our minds’
Freedom
Freedom lives and breathes only in the ability
To control your mind
A passionate expression is perhaps a flawed thought.
A vibrant rebellion is perhaps an illusion.
Unless it is happening in your own consciousness.
And that is the best description for this brain freeze
My mind and my soul are battling
They are both so eager to succeed
That neither realizes they are one.
The mind is bamboozled by matter,
seduced by it even.
The soul is frustrated by its inability to penetrate.
…and I am too…
Frustrated in this state of illusion and confusion
Without some guidance or perspective
No sign or path has led me to sustainable warmth
And that is the thing for which I seek.
Self created,
Self sustainable
Self empowered
Warmth.

The curious thing is my knowing where I have to go
But refusing to go there.
I am a slave.

a soapbox rant

2010-05-26T12:42:00.001-04:00

I am truly disturbed by the comments I read in response to current events articles/polls. I don’t understand the mindset of my ‘fellow’ Americans in the least bit. There is so much hostility. Misguided and even subliminally planted hostility perhaps?

This morning, a poll asking:

“Would you support the deportation of natural-born American citizens that are the children of illegal immigrants?”

44% said yes; 49% said no and 7% said maybe

This country was founded on this belief. Many, many, many of the people in my family, in my professional and personal life are citizens of this country because this is the open-armed stance branded on the spirit of this country. Grandparents foreign born, great-grandparents and yes, parents who came here seeking prosperity (legal or not) found solace in the fact that they were, just by being on this land, creating a better life for their blood.

This debate circling around immigration is a smoke screen. A distraction of monumental proportions aimed at shooting through your emotions and keeping you embroiled in a moot point. Creating a division of people based on things that matter little in the scheme of the truth. The government is sending troops to patrol the border, Arizona is going rouge in an attempt to “bring light on the situation”, everyone and their racist mothers are offended and people who sympathize and have compassion are uneducated or worse, liberals. The truth is, it is not about patrolling the border, it is not about preventing people from coming here, it is not about the money and the burden of the communities affected…It is about a government not being forward thinking enough on purpose. The simple solution is so simple and so righteous and so obvious, but yet, the minds are not going there. What is required is a way to make illegal’s legal. Im so sick and tired of people making excuses. Im sick and tired of hearing people’s perfectly planted rage against people just trying to live. Find a way to allow people to come and work and support their families.

The ignorance of the ripple effects we as Americans create all over the world astounds me daily. Your privilege and your comfort come at a karmic price. You have an opportunity every single day to balance the scale through compassion and true understanding. Walk in peoples shoes and stay awake.

on a more positive note

2010-05-03T13:34:00.003-04:00

so i left that spewing piece here to sit by itself for a few weeks. felt good to get it off my chest, but re-reading it makes me ashamed of myself.

my father is flawed, as we all are. such anger is not an answer to the problem. I am not sure what the answer is if there is even one. I am taking the moments as they come, letting go of the moments that have long since passed. I am not going to guilt myself into 'action' as I just don't have the fight in me. I will not guilt myself into feeling at all actually.

Time may heal us, he is my father. Words can fall harshly, but only matter if the ears they fall on, believe them. So perhaps, it doesn't matter. And perhaps, I need to keep my spirit focused on more positive things.

that which i put into the world, is that which the world will return to me.

my energy is aligning itself without my will, it is being guided to a place where I am empowered. when I wrap my head around the discomfort of guilt and anger, I realize that I do not need to sit there if I choose not to. my mind, my spirit, my energy is strong enough to change my reality. and this is what I am choosing to focus on.

I feel like I am coming back to a place of knowledge that I once held, but unlearned through the struggles that life throws us. It is easy to wrap your head around it and dance with it for a while. I want to retain it, find a practice, a daily affirmation, something to keep it playing in the background of my experiences.

I am journaling nightly now as a form of therapy, release and understanding. I have neglected the part of myself that pours onto a page for fear of judgment, fear that I might not make sense, might contradict, might be self-absorbed. So stupid! I feel like I was blindfolded and spun and now that the blind fold is off, everything is still spinning. I am out of sorts with my myself, time to realign and gain strength through the understanding of myself again.

~peace, love & light~

a fathers words

2010-04-06T16:39:00.000-04:00

a fathers words fall harshly
darting about this house of doubt
and settles like an exhausted Sun
beaten by the Moon,
betrayed by time,
wildly spinning
and confused.

Yes, the words fell callously.
Spewed from lips
stained with bitter rage,
judgment and crooked impressions
Spoken about like gossip fodder…
and smiled to
and lied to
and permanently damaged.

Yes, the words fell cruelly.
Like the daggers on ones enemy
Knives a plenty…
To my children, to my friends
Repeatedly
unaware of the blood trickling down my back
I continued to concern myself with you,
With your well being.

Yes, the words fell viciously.
Scattered about my surroundings
Disturbing the vibe of my unconsciousness,
Burning holes in the fabric of a lifetime
And forever changed my landscape.

to be unloved by ones parents is one thing
to be hated, was unexpected.

And yes, the words will fall,
Loudly and coarsely
In the space of my silence.
They will serve as a reminder to not trust you.
They will stand as a monument of what not to do.
They will be burned in the walls of my house, so that I might never forget.
They will keep space between you and my children.
And they will keep my spirit free from your constraints.

You are no longer my father.

a possible return

2010-03-31T09:43:00.003-04:00

I guess it has been a whole year...my priorities have left little room for me to be me and the spirit hadn't moved me. but now its spring, my forever reincarnation, full of emotion, ready to burst. but I am afraid of the words, afraid of their resentment against the time I've left them alone.

personally, I am in a good place. spiritually, I am headed in a good place. poetically, I am trapped. Hung up on bitter emotions that I feel are a waste of paper. my actions in life make me feel inadequate to express the word.

I started this blog to have a place to write without being known, without being judged by those who share my physical life. But the wall I've built around my heart won't allow the flow I need to survive. So today...I am making a commitment to try.

My life is full,
I am perched on the Spring and ready to unfold
This casing that I was born into must fall away
It no longer defines me.

spring

2009-03-06T17:54:00.000-05:00

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meaness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whomever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Jalal ad-Din Rumi
Beloved Persian Poet

gratitude

2009-02-26T09:21:00.002-05:00

happiness is a choice and I have so much to be thankful for...let me dwell here for a while.

I refuse to allow him or the saddness of my world poison my spirit.

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy;
they are the charming gardeners
who make our souls blossom."

~ Proust

2009-02-24T14:31:00.000-05:00

Cancer Horoscope for Tuesday - 2/24/2009

Although you may have recently run into a formidable adversary, your secret weapon today is your willingness to clearly express your emotions to get what you want. Others may be blown away by your uncharacteristic boldness as you deftly take over a situation that appeared to be beyond your control. The New Moon is in your 9th House of Big Ideas, but don't just talk about what you're going to do; make it happen.

parched

2009-02-23T09:33:00.003-05:00

like dried blood
caked in the corners
my trust has retreated
emotionally assassinated
by the shadows of your soul.
drops of what was once wet
now stains our frayed fabric
into patterns of neglect
into a masterpiece of failure.
and I am feigning
starved and seething for
life in this death
love in this hate
tenderness on your breath
give me more…
sell me less
salty lies
caked in the corners
of your truth.

optical delusion

2009-02-22T11:32:00.000-05:00

"A human being is a part of the whole called by us “the universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separate from the rest – a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening the circle of understanding and compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

Albert Einstein

useless - jul08

2009-02-22T11:28:00.001-05:00

On the tip of my tongue
Life freezes into an unexpressed breath
while the wind still blows through my lungs
Like butterflies
Alive,
But trapped and pending death.

On the tip of my tongue
Change has tainted my taste buds
Electric feels dry and high strung
Sweet renders bland and passé
Like sappy odes
Alive,
And in love.

On the tip of my tongue
The moment waits
But gets lost in the wait
And the words vanish
Fall into the void
Overall, they just lose.

On the tip of my tongue
Family insanity
Lingers
Hoping to catch a phrase
Without pointing fingers
but,
she let herself die
playing the victim
and I have no more lines
to throw out to save you.

Its all on the tip of my tongue
playing in my mind
tempting the creation
taunting the change
stuck without words
from my mouth or my pen
I feel useless.

stale -jan08

2009-02-22T11:18:00.001-05:00

the air I breathe is full of naked moments left behind in a fire,
charred, the journals of my once inspired mind fell to dust
now more of a nuisance
a nagging tug at my inability to create magic
it falls around and lingers on every breath
choking the whispers of my forgotten intuitive prose.

the neglect I feel from myself is glaring
to offer myself upon the letters that produce words,
which build lines,
that create pieces of me
is no longer a part of the air I breathe.

the science of my charm sits un-soothed, blistered and raw
the urge ever present, but the flow never expressed
defeat collects in the absence of encouragement
it pools and assembles war against the pen
using insecure tactics and bindings that pinch your nerve to try anyway.

I yearn for the community that previously made me whole
full of likeminded artists who filled the air I breathed with vibrant colors and imaginative rhythm
sated my lungs with purpose that bled to my fingers
instinctually possessed with the need to release and engrave my emotion on the page
but not today
not in this fade that has become my insipid existence
starved for oxygen
greedy for a view outside myself to rejuvenate this stale air I breathe.

well then

2009-02-22T09:32:00.001-05:00

first post on blogger...

so I've had an easyjournal blog for almost 8 years and used it as an outlet that I shared with people online that I knew through a few writing boards. This journal gave me the opportunity to create without judgement...like exposing yourself to strangers was somehow less invasive because they never met me face to face. I made a mistake a few years ago, I fell in love and gave this person a link to my journal. I wanted him to read my poetry, I wanted to be honest and vulnerable with him, I wanted him to know my thoughts and my thought processes. But, a lot happens in love doesn't it? We are still together, but trying to create on that journal has made me mute...I can no longer freely express myself there. To make it worse, he shared the link with friends and now they occassionally read...so how am I supposed to pour out my emotion on our latest drama? How am I supposed to be verbally intimate with myself and my fantasies when people take things literally and want to know whats going on with "us". I haven't been able to really write creatively in over a year for many reasons. I miss the anonymous abandon of my old online journal and so...here I am.

restless alliteration

Collaboration

Zack de la Rocha on OWS

Pledge of Resistance

sacred spiral

life on paper

some thoughts on the day

Happy Anniversary

A Dream Within A Dream

crabby

a conundrum of enormous proportions

napkin notes

women

Gil Scott-Heron ~ RIP~ 1949-2011

*patting myself on the back*

The Saint

ego

green colored glasses

stale

April Showers

Dependent Origination

non duality

whats next?

far

Saul Williams - She

ten pulses

Neruda

Detached

a nagging nag

fly your flag...

drifter

More tricky therapy…

three mistakes

Hope

Slave

a soapbox rant

on a more positive note

a fathers words

a possible return

spring

gratitude

parched

optical delusion

useless - jul08

stale -jan08

well then

patting myself on the back