Friday, October 21, 2011

life on paper

Its been a crazy month or so, I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve had two “break-ups”, one with Inara’s nursery school and another with a client. Both relationships were wearing me down, stressing me out and going against my grain. Both had positive aspects, but they just didn’t outweigh the negative and I decided, rather impulsively, to end both. It all felt sort of manic actually, so I have been waiting for the reality to set in that I made a bad decision...but two/three weeks in and both still feel like reasonable decisions. 

I am still struggling with the whole ‘stay at home’ mom role. I can easily identify my fear of reliance on a man, my fear of not being able to legitimize my professional and intellectual abilities, my fear of becoming obsolete in the professional world...its so tricky. I am 100% positive my presence and time with Inara is the most important use of my time and focus, but I have been so conditioned to weigh my worth on the sum of my professional abilities. My professional career and consequently, my financial independence has been a source of pride in me. Pride I understand to be superficial, pride that separates me, pride that I need to overcome. But as I’ve mentioned before, its has so defined me, that I cling to it, unable to imagine worth without it. 

The OCCUPY movement has become a big factor in our lives. We have been active at Freedom Plaza in DC, not sleeping there, but coming down on the weekends, participating, donating, supporting. I am so full of hope. Hope I haven’t felt in over a decade. I am channeling all my frustration into supporting the movement that I honestly believe can change the world if we direct ourselves appropriately. There is an awakening happening and I have been waiting for it for so long...I had lost faith that it might actually happen on a large scale...and now it is manifesting in intelligent, strong minded, focused people! There are many challenges, but I feel a shift coming all around me and it is uplifting.

We adopted a cat... Two years ago, my wonderful 15 year old cat, kisapele, passed away from a tumor. Since then, I had convinced myself that I would never commit to more animals (we have a dog and a canary). But things play out funny sometimes. My son volunteers at the animal shelter. Everyone but me wanted a cat. I said, never, unless it was siamese (I grew up with a siamese) and only if we adopted. Literally, one day later, a siamese mix came into the shelter. She is beautiful and quirky and a welcome addition to our strange brew. Her name is Neela Shanti (blue peace) for her big blue eyes.

So pretty much, life is good. Fall is creeping in and I feel grounded like the leaves, prepping to decompose into the earth of understanding.

~peace, love & light~

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