Almost year ago on June 7th, a friend took a picture of me that I hated and launched a revolution!
I had my son early, I was 21 and my body bounced back pretty quickly. I had my daughter when I was 35, it was a difficult/complicated pregnancy, a very ripped apart delivery and I spent 2 years nursing her. At 37, my body was wrecked LOL, seriously. After I stopped nursing, I quickly lost 10-15 pounds, but I wasn’t happy with my shape. My energy was pretty low and my motivation was zero, until I saw that picture.
Since then, I have committed to making exercise a part of my life. It wasn’t about loosing weight, it was about regaining control and strength. Three weeks early, I have reached a pretty big milestone. In the past 11 months, I have walked 500 miles (805 kilometers)! That’s more 1.3 million additional steps, about an average of 12 miles per week. Now, I walk, run, do core and strength training at least 4 times per week. I make time for it, it gives me perspective and burns some of my restless energy better than yoga…its good stuff.
So today, I am celebrating! To my health …cheers :)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
The Saint
There is no suffering for the one
who has completed the journey,
who is freed from sorrow,
who has freed oneself on all sides,
who has thrown off all chains.
The thoughtful exert themselves;
they do not delight in a home;
like swans who have left their lake,
they leave their house and home.
Those who have no accumulations, who eat properly,
who have perceived release and unconditioned freedom,
their path is difficult to understand,
like that of birds in the sky.
Those whose passions are stilled,
who are indifferent to pleasure,
who have perceived release and unconditioned freedom,
their path is difficult to understand,
like that of birds in the sky.
Even the gods admire one whose senses are controlled,
like horses well tamed by the driver,
who is free from pride and free from appetites.
Such a dutiful one who is tolerant like the earth,
who is firm like a pillar,
who is like a lake without mud:
no new births are in store for this one.
One's thought is calm;
calm is one's word and one's action
when one has obtained freedom by true knowledge
and become peaceful.
The one who is free from gullibility,
who knows the uncreated, who has severed all ties,
removed all temptations, renounced all desires,
is the greatest of people.
In a village or in a forest, in a valley or on the hills,
wherever saints live, that is a place of joy.
Forests are delightful; where others find no joy,
there the desireless will find joy,
for they do not seek the pleasures of the senses.
- Lord Buddha
who has completed the journey,
who is freed from sorrow,
who has freed oneself on all sides,
who has thrown off all chains.
The thoughtful exert themselves;
they do not delight in a home;
like swans who have left their lake,
they leave their house and home.
Those who have no accumulations, who eat properly,
who have perceived release and unconditioned freedom,
their path is difficult to understand,
like that of birds in the sky.
Those whose passions are stilled,
who are indifferent to pleasure,
who have perceived release and unconditioned freedom,
their path is difficult to understand,
like that of birds in the sky.
Even the gods admire one whose senses are controlled,
like horses well tamed by the driver,
who is free from pride and free from appetites.
Such a dutiful one who is tolerant like the earth,
who is firm like a pillar,
who is like a lake without mud:
no new births are in store for this one.
One's thought is calm;
calm is one's word and one's action
when one has obtained freedom by true knowledge
and become peaceful.
The one who is free from gullibility,
who knows the uncreated, who has severed all ties,
removed all temptations, renounced all desires,
is the greatest of people.
In a village or in a forest, in a valley or on the hills,
wherever saints live, that is a place of joy.
Forests are delightful; where others find no joy,
there the desireless will find joy,
for they do not seek the pleasures of the senses.
- Lord Buddha
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
ego
My father is a chauvinist, always has been. Vertically challenged, with an intellectual case of short mans disease, he is dismissive to women and undermines their authority at every imagined slight. Graduating from high school, he told me that college wasn’t for me, that perhaps I was better suited for secretary school. At the age of 19, I joined the Navy, he told me I wouldn’t make it. I stopped speaking to him for a few years and there are days lately when I want to cut him out again due to his disrespect.
I am an over achiever. I am fiercely self sufficient. I am fearless and brave to the point of arrogant confidence. Anything that supposedly cannot be done, I will do and will silently throw it around in my aura of “up yours”. I do not boast, I no longer pound my chest in pride…these days Im content on watching people squirm in their need to size me up.
So, needless to say, the two are linked. I have strove for my fathers approval blindly my whole life and didn’t realize his chauvinism until the last five years or so. My over achieving and desire to prove him wrong has branded me, molded me. And now, as I routinely find myself chaffed by his disrespectful and dismissive comments, I realize finally, that I threaten him. A coward, a small man with insecure thought processes…I should pity him. Instead, this revelation makes me tilt my head waaaaaay back and laugh from the depths of my core. All the pain he inflicted on my sense of who I am, all the unjust judgment, all the personal affronts…they were just his way of posturing.
The number one enemy of compassion, is the ego.
My ego is stemmed from his chauvinism.
My ego is why his chauvinism hurts me.
My ego prevents me from forgiving either one of my parents.
My ego stands in my way like a fortress, it taints my progress.
My ego is silent and loud at the same time, it colors every action, every intent.
Conceptually, I understand how to rid myself of the obvious forms of attachment, but I grip onto my ego like a life preserver. Who would I be without the ego that has shaped and defined me?
I am an over achiever. I am fiercely self sufficient. I am fearless and brave to the point of arrogant confidence. Anything that supposedly cannot be done, I will do and will silently throw it around in my aura of “up yours”. I do not boast, I no longer pound my chest in pride…these days Im content on watching people squirm in their need to size me up.
So, needless to say, the two are linked. I have strove for my fathers approval blindly my whole life and didn’t realize his chauvinism until the last five years or so. My over achieving and desire to prove him wrong has branded me, molded me. And now, as I routinely find myself chaffed by his disrespectful and dismissive comments, I realize finally, that I threaten him. A coward, a small man with insecure thought processes…I should pity him. Instead, this revelation makes me tilt my head waaaaaay back and laugh from the depths of my core. All the pain he inflicted on my sense of who I am, all the unjust judgment, all the personal affronts…they were just his way of posturing.
The number one enemy of compassion, is the ego.
My ego is stemmed from his chauvinism.
My ego is why his chauvinism hurts me.
My ego prevents me from forgiving either one of my parents.
My ego stands in my way like a fortress, it taints my progress.
My ego is silent and loud at the same time, it colors every action, every intent.
Conceptually, I understand how to rid myself of the obvious forms of attachment, but I grip onto my ego like a life preserver. Who would I be without the ego that has shaped and defined me?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
green colored glasses
Its funny how spring plays tricks on the mind…everywhere I look there is green, creeping into every crevice, filling in the air between branches, gracefully carpeting every hill, every field…just a few weeks ago the stark barren contrast was a depressing ode to loss…now I can barely remember the feeling. I look out and expect to see a trace of it somewhere, but thankfully it has retreated. It’s a testament to the power of rejuvenation. A witness to the minds the ability to forget and discard the unpleasantness. Spring is bursting at the seams and with it, my hope, my gratitude, my spirits, all full and ripe. Yes, YES!! Indeed.
Friday, April 15, 2011
stale
the air I breathe is full of naked moments left behind in a fire,
charred, the journals of my once inspired mind fell to dust.
now more of a nuisance,
a nagging tug at my inability to create magic.
it falls around and lingers on every breath,
choking the whispers of my forgotten intuitive prose.
the neglect I feel from myself is glaring.
to offer myself upon the letters that produce words,
which build lines, that create pieces of me,
is no longer a part of the air I breathe.
the science of my charm sits un-soothed,
blistered and raw.
the urge ever present, but the flow never expressed.
defeat collects in the absence of encouragement,
it pools and assembles war against the pen
using insecure tactics and bindings that pinch your nerve to try anyway.
I yearn for the community that previously made me whole...
full of likeminded artists who filled the air I breathe
with vibrant colors and imaginative rhythm.
sated my lungs with purpose that bled to my fingers instinctually,
possessed with the need to release and engrave my emotion on the page.
but not today,
not in this fade that has become my insipid existence
starved for oxygen
greedy for a view outside myself
to rejuvenate this stale air I breathe.
charred, the journals of my once inspired mind fell to dust.
now more of a nuisance,
a nagging tug at my inability to create magic.
it falls around and lingers on every breath,
choking the whispers of my forgotten intuitive prose.
the neglect I feel from myself is glaring.
to offer myself upon the letters that produce words,
which build lines, that create pieces of me,
is no longer a part of the air I breathe.
the science of my charm sits un-soothed,
blistered and raw.
the urge ever present, but the flow never expressed.
defeat collects in the absence of encouragement,
it pools and assembles war against the pen
using insecure tactics and bindings that pinch your nerve to try anyway.
I yearn for the community that previously made me whole...
full of likeminded artists who filled the air I breathe
with vibrant colors and imaginative rhythm.
sated my lungs with purpose that bled to my fingers instinctually,
possessed with the need to release and engrave my emotion on the page.
but not today,
not in this fade that has become my insipid existence
starved for oxygen
greedy for a view outside myself
to rejuvenate this stale air I breathe.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
April Showers
its another rainy, cold day and Inara and I are spending the afternoon snuggled up on the couch watching Spirited Away for the 112th time. Im fighting off sinking moods and melancholy mindsets with chocolate and then end up pushing myself to hard on the treadmill. Obsessing about the physical is the one thing that trumps my mental.
Thought it would be a good day to be inspired ...
Caged Bird
BY MAYA ANGELOU
A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn bright lawn
and he names the sky his own
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
Thought it would be a good day to be inspired ...
Caged Bird
BY MAYA ANGELOU
A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn bright lawn
and he names the sky his own
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Dependent Origination
"he who sees dependent origination sees the Dharma and he who sees the Dharma sees the Buddha."
"The progression of causes and conditions is the reality which applies to all things, from the natural environment, which is an external, physical condition, to the events of human society, ethical principles, life events and the happiness and suffering which manifest in our own minds.
These systems of causal relationship are part of the one natural truth. Our happiness within this natural system depends on having some knowledge of how it works and practicing correctly within it, through addressing problems on the personal, social, and environmental levels.
Given that all things are interconnected, and all are affecting each other, success in dealing with the world lies in creating harmony within it."
"The cycle of Dependent Origination is a description of a natural process, not a path of practice. However, the first set of right and wrong practices described above describes practice in terms of the cycle of Dependent Origination. Is there a contradiction here? It may be answered that the Dependent Origination cycle illustrated here (and it is only illustrated as a form of practice in this one Sutta) seeks to describe practical application. The Commentators to this Sutta ask the question: ignorance may be a condition for good actions, or merit (puññabhisankhara), or it may serve to generate the state of highly stable concentration (aneñjabhisankhara); why then is it said to be wrong practice? Answering their question, the Commentators state that when people are motivated by a desire to be or to get something, no matter what they may do -- whether they develop the five higher knowledges (abhiñña) or the eight attainments (samapatti) -- it is all wrong practice. On the other hand, those who are motivated by an aspiration for Nibbana, who are aiming for relinquishment, or the liberated mind, rather than attaining or obtaining something, will always have right practice, even when doing such minor actions as making offerings"
Dependent Origination has always made me feel like I am stuck in circles, my mind refusing to be pinned down to a true grasping. Seriously, I've been doing this for 20+ years, at what point am I going to get this!?
"The progression of causes and conditions is the reality which applies to all things, from the natural environment, which is an external, physical condition, to the events of human society, ethical principles, life events and the happiness and suffering which manifest in our own minds.
These systems of causal relationship are part of the one natural truth. Our happiness within this natural system depends on having some knowledge of how it works and practicing correctly within it, through addressing problems on the personal, social, and environmental levels.
Given that all things are interconnected, and all are affecting each other, success in dealing with the world lies in creating harmony within it."
"The cycle of Dependent Origination is a description of a natural process, not a path of practice. However, the first set of right and wrong practices described above describes practice in terms of the cycle of Dependent Origination. Is there a contradiction here? It may be answered that the Dependent Origination cycle illustrated here (and it is only illustrated as a form of practice in this one Sutta) seeks to describe practical application. The Commentators to this Sutta ask the question: ignorance may be a condition for good actions, or merit (puññabhisankhara), or it may serve to generate the state of highly stable concentration (aneñjabhisankhara); why then is it said to be wrong practice? Answering their question, the Commentators state that when people are motivated by a desire to be or to get something, no matter what they may do -- whether they develop the five higher knowledges (abhiñña) or the eight attainments (samapatti) -- it is all wrong practice. On the other hand, those who are motivated by an aspiration for Nibbana, who are aiming for relinquishment, or the liberated mind, rather than attaining or obtaining something, will always have right practice, even when doing such minor actions as making offerings"
Dependent Origination has always made me feel like I am stuck in circles, my mind refusing to be pinned down to a true grasping. Seriously, I've been doing this for 20+ years, at what point am I going to get this!?
Thursday, March 24, 2011
non duality
last week I was heavy with fever and deep thoughts...I started thinking that if the universe is perfect, containing just as much positive and negative in its balance, then positive can never overcome negative, they merely exist in unison. by feeding positivity, you then also feed negativity...and vice versa.
and if you are feeding both simultaneously, are they not the same animal? Of course they are. There is no separation. It exists, as do we, a part of the whole.
From the Upanishads:
"Now this self, verily, is the world of all beings. In so far as he gives shelter and food to men, he becomes the world of men. In so far as he gives grass and water to the animals, he becomes the world of animals. In so far as beasts and birds, even to the ants find a living in his houses he becomes their world. Verily, as one wishes non-injury for his own world, so all beings wish non-injury for him who has this knowledge.”
And then, when I think about the Qabalah Tree of Life, the one thing that always stuck with me was the fact that we are all ether, we just need to stop fooling around with the trickery of ones mind:
"The you that you think is you is not you. It is a dream you. In fact, the you that you think is you is a dreamer inside a dreamer Inside a dreamer inside a dreamer. You are the King of the universe who has fallen asleep and is dreaming he is the Queen who has fallen asleep and is dreaming she is the Prince, who has fallen asleep and is dreaming he is a sleeping Princess." ~ The Chicken Qabalah of Rabbi Lamed Ben Clifford
Are we so fooled by our 'intelligence'?
And once we fully accept non dualistic thoughts as an optional mind frame, do we not truly transcend?
If the universe is perfect, then we have nothing to fear...?
"If anyone listens to this discourse and is neither filled with alarm nor awe nor dread, be it known that such a one is of remarkable achievement."
but then what is our responsibility? what is our contribution? to love the whole...to embrace the whole and contribute to the whole as your divinity dictates?
I need a guru to help me sort through :)
and if you are feeding both simultaneously, are they not the same animal? Of course they are. There is no separation. It exists, as do we, a part of the whole.
From the Upanishads:
"Now this self, verily, is the world of all beings. In so far as he gives shelter and food to men, he becomes the world of men. In so far as he gives grass and water to the animals, he becomes the world of animals. In so far as beasts and birds, even to the ants find a living in his houses he becomes their world. Verily, as one wishes non-injury for his own world, so all beings wish non-injury for him who has this knowledge.”
And then, when I think about the Qabalah Tree of Life, the one thing that always stuck with me was the fact that we are all ether, we just need to stop fooling around with the trickery of ones mind:
"The you that you think is you is not you. It is a dream you. In fact, the you that you think is you is a dreamer inside a dreamer Inside a dreamer inside a dreamer. You are the King of the universe who has fallen asleep and is dreaming he is the Queen who has fallen asleep and is dreaming she is the Prince, who has fallen asleep and is dreaming he is a sleeping Princess." ~ The Chicken Qabalah of Rabbi Lamed Ben Clifford
Are we so fooled by our 'intelligence'?
And once we fully accept non dualistic thoughts as an optional mind frame, do we not truly transcend?
If the universe is perfect, then we have nothing to fear...?
"If anyone listens to this discourse and is neither filled with alarm nor awe nor dread, be it known that such a one is of remarkable achievement."
but then what is our responsibility? what is our contribution? to love the whole...to embrace the whole and contribute to the whole as your divinity dictates?
I need a guru to help me sort through :)
whats next?
There are robins singing at my window
Spring emerging
reaching up through the earth
more life, less cold.
There are weapons being fired
wars rising,
falling from the sky
more strife, less life.
There are lies pouring from the air waves
propaganda ensues,
playing on numb minds
more greed, less truth.
There are winds calling for change
vibrations rising…or falling
Supermoons, tsunamis, tectonic shifts, cosmic alignments.
and…the trees are falling
their skeletal remains laid across sprouting green.
and…the sky is filled unnaturally
with mechanic butterflies who visit when we sleep.
and…the world is filled with pending doom
It quietly attacks us
while we paint ourselves happy.
Everything is heightened
like hairs standing up,
the static pull
has every living thing in a state of
Whats Next?
But…
There are robins singing at my window
And soft murmurs on warm breezes
There are daffodils blooming
And trees covered in sweet red buds
And the green is spreading in the peripheral
And the luxuries and promise of Spring flaunts itself at my feet
While my heart bleeds
and the vibration penetrates my vision
dreading whats next.
Spring emerging
reaching up through the earth
more life, less cold.
There are weapons being fired
wars rising,
falling from the sky
more strife, less life.
There are lies pouring from the air waves
propaganda ensues,
playing on numb minds
more greed, less truth.
There are winds calling for change
vibrations rising…or falling
Supermoons, tsunamis, tectonic shifts, cosmic alignments.
and…the trees are falling
their skeletal remains laid across sprouting green.
and…the sky is filled unnaturally
with mechanic butterflies who visit when we sleep.
and…the world is filled with pending doom
It quietly attacks us
while we paint ourselves happy.
Everything is heightened
like hairs standing up,
the static pull
has every living thing in a state of
Whats Next?
But…
There are robins singing at my window
And soft murmurs on warm breezes
There are daffodils blooming
And trees covered in sweet red buds
And the green is spreading in the peripheral
And the luxuries and promise of Spring flaunts itself at my feet
While my heart bleeds
and the vibration penetrates my vision
dreading whats next.
Monday, March 7, 2011
far
“and the masks, that the monsters wear, to feed upon their prey”
so far fetched,
so far off,
so unlike your reality
The truth of you is toxic
Overly sedated,
judgmental
and bitter.
The truth of your discontent
lies somewhere in the folds
that barrier you,
and enfold your pain.
so far gone
so far away
so sad to watch.
And the truth
for me
is revealing itself
at our every encounter.
You and I no longer connect.
You and I don’t hear the same things.
Don’t vibe right,
Don’t have much in common,
other than the years.
One by one,
the players fall
The king,
The queen
The jester
The nursemaid
And I am unable to recognize
their decent until I have been pulled into it.
My loyalty is blind
My empathy is wide
and each of you
exploits my innards
to ease your own pain.
To view this circle from the outside
we are all poisonous,
venomous beings
careening around love and hate.
I choose to self preserve.
I choose distance.
It is no longer my desire to get you to get me.
It is no longer my expectation to get love from blood.
so far fetched,
so far off,
so far gone.
Your masks are slipping.
I see your truth.
And finally I see how your truth,
infects his truth,
and her truth,
and our truth.
Go ahead,
Throw your knives.
Get your jabs in.
CREATE what you will.
I am no victim.
I have wings…
pulled by magnetic forces
to fulfill my destiny
I have wings…
that vibrate fearlessly
and open new dimensions.
Far away from you.
so far fetched,
so far off,
so unlike your reality
The truth of you is toxic
Overly sedated,
judgmental
and bitter.
The truth of your discontent
lies somewhere in the folds
that barrier you,
and enfold your pain.
so far gone
so far away
so sad to watch.
And the truth
for me
is revealing itself
at our every encounter.
You and I no longer connect.
You and I don’t hear the same things.
Don’t vibe right,
Don’t have much in common,
other than the years.
One by one,
the players fall
The king,
The queen
The jester
The nursemaid
And I am unable to recognize
their decent until I have been pulled into it.
My loyalty is blind
My empathy is wide
and each of you
exploits my innards
to ease your own pain.
To view this circle from the outside
we are all poisonous,
venomous beings
careening around love and hate.
I choose to self preserve.
I choose distance.
It is no longer my desire to get you to get me.
It is no longer my expectation to get love from blood.
so far fetched,
so far off,
so far gone.
Your masks are slipping.
I see your truth.
And finally I see how your truth,
infects his truth,
and her truth,
and our truth.
Go ahead,
Throw your knives.
Get your jabs in.
CREATE what you will.
I am no victim.
I have wings…
pulled by magnetic forces
to fulfill my destiny
I have wings…
that vibrate fearlessly
and open new dimensions.
Far away from you.
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