Yesterday was exhausting, but I woke up aware. I get it now. I understand where the discord is coming from and why I am at odds with family. There comes a time in your life, for some people, that we allow ourselves to build a new family unit with another. Normally, this is an extension of your family. In my case, coming from a co-dependent, dysfunctional mess of insecurity, this came as a shock to the rest of my family. When I was 21, I had Elan, together, we built our double unit and kept my family. When Jay came into my life, he was accepted and loved by my family. When I got pregnant with Inara, everything changed. Finally, at 36 I had my own true family unit to build. Finally, I had unconditional love and support from a man that I could love and support. This is when I started changing. I bucked it at first, afraid to be reliant on him as family, afraid that he would leave or fail, afraid that he would learn to not love me. I was consumed with this family, the baby, my son and Jay. I began to pull away from the dysfunction because I had so much on my plate. This pulling away hurt people’s feelings. My father was no longer a male figure of importance because he started being so bitter. My sister’s co-dependent relationship with me was so heavy and no matter how much I would try to build her up, she would not build herself up, so I stopped trying to build her up. I had awakened to the fact that my family demanded much of me, but gave me very little positive in return. When you finally have a positive unit, it is easy to see the cracks in the glass that you once lived in.
So all this discord, I can trace back to my growing, my transforming into a person who is a part of a new unit. In a perfect world, we can have our family and our new unit. In my world, the immaturity, stunted growth and selfishness makes this difficult. I want to rebuild with my sister, I do not want to rebuild with my father, but my father is still a figure of importance and influence with my relationship with my sister. Its tricky. I need to learn how to have a non-co-dependent relationship with her, and that is tricky. I have always been the rock, and I provided the rock out of love. But I cannot be her rock, I can not be her sole support system. I used to have a book, Co-Dependent No More, but I gave it to a friend…I hate that I learn something and forget the fundamentals, drives me nuts!
Now, my father, I cannot forgive…I’m hard as they come once I’ve been burned. So I must learn to allow to maneuver without allowing his opinions/judgment/gossip/nastiness, to penetrate. For the majority of my life, his opinion was so important to me, I valued it, cherished it. When his view changed, it forces me to change my own view of myself. Not literally, but overall, I subconsciously feel worth less because he no longer holds me in regard. In my perfect reality, I would not see or speak with him, but I feel my son would resent that. I could try to be more compassionate about his hurt, but he was so malicious and he is so calculated that I just can’t find it in myself. So I will wait, maneuver and survive.
People don’t like change…this is true for families. Families that are built on favoritism, addiction, resentment and anger, even less so. I am not a stagnant person, I seek the movement, the chaos, the transformation…and I can’t expect everyone in my life to understand and/or embrace that. That was kind of a revelation for me this morning.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
three mistakes
Today, I was my sisters birthday. I took her to lunch, knowing that things have been strained between us for a while, but she is my sister. About 10 minutes into lunch I mentioned something to her about my son. Her face contorted and squinched and her vibe became kind of hostile. At first, I did not press it, but then I got kind of offended because she clearly disapproved. FIRST mistake…I cared, that she thought my take on things were wrong. SECOND mistake, my pride as a mother struck the flame, this is my child. She was passively aggressive in her expression, it is the story of my family and that thought just set me off. I confronted her, we got heated and the strain that has existed between us, spilled all over the table. She threw some real nasty things at me. Our food came and I asked for to-go boxes…I was not going to sit there with her anymore. I was miserable. I missed how we once were. I ruined her birthday. I regretted that I have been trying to establish boundaries with her and in hindsight, realized that I had neglected her. It is a co-dependent sibling relationship. She can suck me dry sometimes and instead of explaining my boundaries with her, I just threw up walls. THIRD mistake, I cannot just avoid people. In avoiding her, I have created anger, resentment and general bad feelings in her. That was not my intent, I was just hoping for a little understanding. We gathered and walked out together, barely speaking and then the rain started and we started apologizing. We made up, partially. I feel drained, exhausted and inept really. I should have said so much more. Then, as I am reliving the whole thing in my head I realize that I need to work on myself, because most of this discord is my fault. My sister has her flaws, but they contributed little to this day.
If I didn’t care about what people thought/said about me, I might still have a relationship with my mother, my father and others in my family. But the truth is, I have always cared when it came to family and that is why I barely speak to any of them. Their perceptions have always been so hurtful to me. But if I wasn’t being told by my sister, these perceptions, would I continue to love them and interact with them in bliss? I don’t know. At some point your family is not privy to special treatment. Shitty people don’t deserve to be held close in my life. But I may not have viewed them as shitty if someone didn’t confide what they were saying behind my back…I don’t know, that’s a tough one.
So I am going to try to not care. It is none of my business what others think of me whether it is coming from the source or some third-party…I’m not interested. This does not mean that people wont continue to throw their opinions/thoughts/perceptions around, but I must choose the proper reaction…which should always be ambivalence. Not offended, not hurt, not annoyed, just…whatever, its not important. Just like its not important when people talk religion to me, I have moved past caring to interact in these conversations. I must train myself to not interact because its just an unproductive cycle. Why should I care? Their perception is not a testament or validation of my worth, they are only their reality. I should spend my energy on being a better person, but I’m still not going to care if anyone else thinks I am doing a good job at it. That is within. I’ll fill up my bucket myself, thank you.
If I didn’t care about what people thought/said about me, I might still have a relationship with my mother, my father and others in my family. But the truth is, I have always cared when it came to family and that is why I barely speak to any of them. Their perceptions have always been so hurtful to me. But if I wasn’t being told by my sister, these perceptions, would I continue to love them and interact with them in bliss? I don’t know. At some point your family is not privy to special treatment. Shitty people don’t deserve to be held close in my life. But I may not have viewed them as shitty if someone didn’t confide what they were saying behind my back…I don’t know, that’s a tough one.
So I am going to try to not care. It is none of my business what others think of me whether it is coming from the source or some third-party…I’m not interested. This does not mean that people wont continue to throw their opinions/thoughts/perceptions around, but I must choose the proper reaction…which should always be ambivalence. Not offended, not hurt, not annoyed, just…whatever, its not important. Just like its not important when people talk religion to me, I have moved past caring to interact in these conversations. I must train myself to not interact because its just an unproductive cycle. Why should I care? Their perception is not a testament or validation of my worth, they are only their reality. I should spend my energy on being a better person, but I’m still not going to care if anyone else thinks I am doing a good job at it. That is within. I’ll fill up my bucket myself, thank you.
The last few weeks feel like a languid dream. Finding my way through myself is an ever present activity and when I come out on the other end I wonder how i am perceived by others. In truth, I care little about what people think of me, until I am in a mental moment like today when I reflect back on the years and wonder. by then its to late. impressions are made immediately, my behavior or misbehavior reflects on me only by those who judge...and all people judge. I'm talking in circles because I am starting to realize that I am a bit stingy with my friendships. I give 110% if you are a friend, but calling you a friend is a rare thing for me. Its not because I don't value friends, don't see the beauty and light in people, its just that I don't want to be vulnerable with people. I would rather stand alone, then hold hands with danger. I was watching that movie Up In The Air, I could relate to the lies he was telling himself. It may be easier, but it is not more fulfilling.
I am not who I was 20 years ago, but I am not as far removed as I would like to expect from myself. My nature has remained consistent, through all my revelations, all my evolution, I am still basically the same, only perhaps slightly more compassionate. That is kind of funnywierdstupid to me...
I am not who I was 20 years ago, but I am not as far removed as I would like to expect from myself. My nature has remained consistent, through all my revelations, all my evolution, I am still basically the same, only perhaps slightly more compassionate. That is kind of funnywierdstupid to me...
Friday, June 4, 2010
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
6/4/2010
It's confusing when your intuition is so strong because you cannot justify your actions. You want to trust your feelings because you know how psychically inclined you are today. Your hunches may be correct, yet it's challenging to discern a cause-and-effect relationship between the facts at your disposal and your emotional response to what's happening. Stop trying to over-intellectualize everything; just act on your instincts.
~~~~~
cool...
6/4/2010
It's confusing when your intuition is so strong because you cannot justify your actions. You want to trust your feelings because you know how psychically inclined you are today. Your hunches may be correct, yet it's challenging to discern a cause-and-effect relationship between the facts at your disposal and your emotional response to what's happening. Stop trying to over-intellectualize everything; just act on your instincts.
~~~~~
cool...
Hope
I ran across some very interesting concepts in the last few days.
The movie Zeitgeist (www.zeitgeistmovie.com), is basically what many term as a conspiracy theory documentary. But the truth is facts (not the possibility) about our money driven world society. Upon first hearing what a world without money might be like, I found myself picking it apart, thinking it naive...wouldn't men always want to dominate and control? Perhaps not, perhaps that is learned behavior. wouldn't such a society be ripe for corruption? Perhaps not, if people were content, full, richly stimulated by the common good.
From this movie, I found The Venus Project, www.thevenusproject.com. Which of course got me thinking about technology. Profit driven technology is repressed technology. When I look at how far we advanced in some areas and not in others, it is obvious. The unharnessed clean and sustainable energy sources are AMAZING and limitless in their possibility. I honestly do think a society can be created that participates in the pattern of Nature, as opposed to abusing and controlling. Again, money has become the worlds religion, it has programed us all to believe that there can be nothing else. It has programmed us to accept a very small, limited short-sightedness.
Today I found a Awakening As One, a very sexy, polished, but still inspiring, movement. www.awakeningasone.com I have always, always believed in the vibration. I have always been able to feel it. It exists for all creatures and plant life and it you pay attention, you can observe it. This "Quickening" they speak of is happening, everywhere. The signs and oracles are all around us waiting to be seen and one that third eye opens, it is a little overwhelming. But when taken with a simple concept of BEING THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD, it inspires and gives me hope. I want to inspire others, not those who are not so inclined, but rather, inspire those on the verge. People who feel wrong, who feel guilt, people who understand that we can not continue in this hatefulness. Those are the people who feel it, but do not think outside the box that is containing them. They can not imagine how they can change things, but they know change is necessary. These people are hammered back into thoughtlessness by a lack of hope, a lack of putting the pieces together and painting a new picture in their mind.
Without sound like to much like the crunchy tree hugging witch that I am, I am convinced that the vibrational resonance in the world is rising...I feel it. My antenna is up and things (stones, books, tarot cards), knowledge and understanding have been coming at me steady for the last few months. At first, I laughed at myself. I thought, yeah right, you are having a spiritual awakening, in your head. But the more I trusted the possibility, trusted the intuition, trusted the vision, the more I am sure that this is real. Couple that with the knowledge that people all over the world are feeling this too, that is hopeful to me. In 1999-2000, I remember feeling the vibration, my mind was opening, but I shut it out, it was to much for me to bear alone and I had no one to reach to in order to get some reassurance. We've become so "rational" that it is hard to trust that which we know when we have been told that which we know is crazy. Today that is not the case.
I am inspired, wide open and participating in the pattern.
The movie Zeitgeist (www.zeitgeistmovie.com), is basically what many term as a conspiracy theory documentary. But the truth is facts (not the possibility) about our money driven world society. Upon first hearing what a world without money might be like, I found myself picking it apart, thinking it naive...wouldn't men always want to dominate and control? Perhaps not, perhaps that is learned behavior. wouldn't such a society be ripe for corruption? Perhaps not, if people were content, full, richly stimulated by the common good.
From this movie, I found The Venus Project, www.thevenusproject.com. Which of course got me thinking about technology. Profit driven technology is repressed technology. When I look at how far we advanced in some areas and not in others, it is obvious. The unharnessed clean and sustainable energy sources are AMAZING and limitless in their possibility. I honestly do think a society can be created that participates in the pattern of Nature, as opposed to abusing and controlling. Again, money has become the worlds religion, it has programed us all to believe that there can be nothing else. It has programmed us to accept a very small, limited short-sightedness.
Today I found a Awakening As One, a very sexy, polished, but still inspiring, movement. www.awakeningasone.com I have always, always believed in the vibration. I have always been able to feel it. It exists for all creatures and plant life and it you pay attention, you can observe it. This "Quickening" they speak of is happening, everywhere. The signs and oracles are all around us waiting to be seen and one that third eye opens, it is a little overwhelming. But when taken with a simple concept of BEING THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD, it inspires and gives me hope. I want to inspire others, not those who are not so inclined, but rather, inspire those on the verge. People who feel wrong, who feel guilt, people who understand that we can not continue in this hatefulness. Those are the people who feel it, but do not think outside the box that is containing them. They can not imagine how they can change things, but they know change is necessary. These people are hammered back into thoughtlessness by a lack of hope, a lack of putting the pieces together and painting a new picture in their mind.
Without sound like to much like the crunchy tree hugging witch that I am, I am convinced that the vibrational resonance in the world is rising...I feel it. My antenna is up and things (stones, books, tarot cards), knowledge and understanding have been coming at me steady for the last few months. At first, I laughed at myself. I thought, yeah right, you are having a spiritual awakening, in your head. But the more I trusted the possibility, trusted the intuition, trusted the vision, the more I am sure that this is real. Couple that with the knowledge that people all over the world are feeling this too, that is hopeful to me. In 1999-2000, I remember feeling the vibration, my mind was opening, but I shut it out, it was to much for me to bear alone and I had no one to reach to in order to get some reassurance. We've become so "rational" that it is hard to trust that which we know when we have been told that which we know is crazy. Today that is not the case.
I am inspired, wide open and participating in the pattern.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Slave
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
To release
I hesitate
While my mind swirls around the complex and the frightening
I’ve locked up my voice
With depression and anger,
And the thunderstruck realization of the world I live in
Frozen and fragile
Thin ice
While my water rages on underneath
Pressure building but no release
Is this a decent into a place I don’t want to be
A place of hurt feelings and obsessive distractions
A place of discord and blindness
Veiled under self-absorption
I am bigger than that,
Stronger than that
I reach for the hand of my internal resolve
And it fails me
My head stuffed with cotton
My hands tied with thorny vines
And I scoff at myself, with my self inflicted misery
Pull out
Thaw out
Reach out
Before the dark water reaches my lungs
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
This is fear
A hopeless fear
One nation under siege
One world under destruction
And I stand here
Knowing how to speak but refusing to do so
Knowing how to be the light, but refusing to let it flourish
Refusing to let it spread
Wrapped up in this heavy fabric
This cocoon of my fear
I am trapped by my own consciousness
The power of the mind has squashed my resilience
Fooled me into believing the hype
That I am nothing more than a physical vessel
That matter is omnipotent
That all that exists in this physical existence
Is more important than…anything
Foolishness is the thought
That remains trapped in matter
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
Absorbing the struggles of others
Allowing the strife to penetrate my spirit
Hyper sensitive
In a over stimulating world of despair
Blinders keep me ‘normal’
They also insult my sense of fairness
My need for justice
My need for rebellion
The ever elusive balance
Knowing and caring and caring to know
I have to know
I don’t know how to not care
My mind is doing pretzels
To thwart my efforts of figuring this out
Of finding a way to know and not be overwhelmed.
I am startled by how impressionable I feel
Naked
With a thousand currents of negative vibe shooting at me
Chaffed
Burned by the ice of my surrounded consciousness
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
‘none but ourselves can free our minds’
Freedom
Freedom lives and breathes only in the ability
To control your mind
A passionate expression is perhaps a flawed thought.
A vibrant rebellion is perhaps an illusion.
Unless it is happening in your own consciousness.
And that is the best description for this brain freeze
My mind and my soul are battling
They are both so eager to succeed
That neither realizes they are one.
The mind is bamboozled by matter,
seduced by it even.
The soul is frustrated by its inability to penetrate.
…and I am too…
Frustrated in this state of illusion and confusion
Without some guidance or perspective
No sign or path has led me to sustainable warmth
And that is the thing for which I seek.
Self created,
Self sustainable
Self empowered
Warmth.
The curious thing is my knowing where I have to go
But refusing to go there.
I am a slave.
Frozen am I
To release
I hesitate
While my mind swirls around the complex and the frightening
I’ve locked up my voice
With depression and anger,
And the thunderstruck realization of the world I live in
Frozen and fragile
Thin ice
While my water rages on underneath
Pressure building but no release
Is this a decent into a place I don’t want to be
A place of hurt feelings and obsessive distractions
A place of discord and blindness
Veiled under self-absorption
I am bigger than that,
Stronger than that
I reach for the hand of my internal resolve
And it fails me
My head stuffed with cotton
My hands tied with thorny vines
And I scoff at myself, with my self inflicted misery
Pull out
Thaw out
Reach out
Before the dark water reaches my lungs
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
This is fear
A hopeless fear
One nation under siege
One world under destruction
And I stand here
Knowing how to speak but refusing to do so
Knowing how to be the light, but refusing to let it flourish
Refusing to let it spread
Wrapped up in this heavy fabric
This cocoon of my fear
I am trapped by my own consciousness
The power of the mind has squashed my resilience
Fooled me into believing the hype
That I am nothing more than a physical vessel
That matter is omnipotent
That all that exists in this physical existence
Is more important than…anything
Foolishness is the thought
That remains trapped in matter
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
Absorbing the struggles of others
Allowing the strife to penetrate my spirit
Hyper sensitive
In a over stimulating world of despair
Blinders keep me ‘normal’
They also insult my sense of fairness
My need for justice
My need for rebellion
The ever elusive balance
Knowing and caring and caring to know
I have to know
I don’t know how to not care
My mind is doing pretzels
To thwart my efforts of figuring this out
Of finding a way to know and not be overwhelmed.
I am startled by how impressionable I feel
Naked
With a thousand currents of negative vibe shooting at me
Chaffed
Burned by the ice of my surrounded consciousness
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
‘none but ourselves can free our minds’
Freedom
Freedom lives and breathes only in the ability
To control your mind
A passionate expression is perhaps a flawed thought.
A vibrant rebellion is perhaps an illusion.
Unless it is happening in your own consciousness.
And that is the best description for this brain freeze
My mind and my soul are battling
They are both so eager to succeed
That neither realizes they are one.
The mind is bamboozled by matter,
seduced by it even.
The soul is frustrated by its inability to penetrate.
…and I am too…
Frustrated in this state of illusion and confusion
Without some guidance or perspective
No sign or path has led me to sustainable warmth
And that is the thing for which I seek.
Self created,
Self sustainable
Self empowered
Warmth.
The curious thing is my knowing where I have to go
But refusing to go there.
I am a slave.
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