Wednesday, August 4, 2010

"The only thing wrong with you is thinking that there is something wrong with you."

I am coming to the realization that I blame myself for everything, it is my first response to any sort of discord or failure, "it must be me". This is so f@cked up when I actually think about it! #1 - its arrogant, like I have the power and the influence to control other peoples reactions or feelings #2 - its self-absorbed, like everything circles around me and my actions or feelings #3 - its self-hating/rejecting, like a cycle, its a way of confirming our low self worth.

For example, my man is away for the month of August. I sent him a poem I wrote during our falling-in-love phase. I wanted to give him something to keep in his heart while he was away. He ignored it, no response, no acknowledgment. I meant to make him smile, warm him up a little. But it could have been taken differently on his end. I can't control how it was taken, but my first reaction was..."maybe he thought I was trying to manipulate or control, or maybe it came off as clingy...blah, blah, blah. I automatically blamed myself. But in truth, it was rude of him, we have been together for 4 years, he knows that this inaction, would sting.

But it got me thinking that in our relationship, I take the blame for our failures/holes...I never say "well, Jay is just a little inconsiderate". I should, I should totally acknowledge his contribution as a whole. But instead, I feel like my flaws are the root of ALL of our issues...and that is just not the truth.

Im so over blaming myself for everything. The overwhelming amount of guilt I feel at any given moment is stifling. I am me, all the positive and all the negative, but I am good person and I mean well in all my actions. I need to acknowledge my worth, my value...not my sit in my negatives all the time.

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