I’m drifting in and out of motivation and melancholy
Reaching for dry air,
Saturated by the humid nature of myself
Drifting amongst waves of silence and outbursts of passion, that only I can hear
I have no idea what it looks like from the outside, but on the inside it is a pendulum
The equilibrium pivots from death to life in a single breath
Drifting aimlessly without an anchor to pull me back into some semblance of relief
I am not angry, I am not sad, I am ambivalent, kind of numb and troublingly disoriented
The span of 24 hours feels ancient, I forgot what I said, how I reacted or what I even felt
Relaxed, without strain or tension, I coast and forget
Tight and stressed, I recorded every detail of every moment.
Drifting from solitude to a desperate need for interaction
And getting ruffled from the unavailability of myself.
I feel so different from myself
The focus and the determination are slipping and there is a panic to that realization
Will I be me without those attributes?
Is this permanent?
Am I fading?
Am I becoming a fragment of my previous self?
Do I care?
Because I’m not sure that I do.
For once in my life I am not carrying the weight.
For once in my life I do not have puff up and appear greater and stronger than I actually feel.
There is such a liberation going on inside of me without those restraints
But it scares me to wander, to drift too far away from the middle line that I’ve always considered ‘normal’
I despise my immature emotions
I feel foolish with these bursts of feeling, and yet, they are true, they are honest, they are me.
Is it possible that I’ve walked around for 38 years wearing someone else’s skin?
And now that it is shedding, I feel naked…exposed and undeveloped.
I’m not sure where the fear is rooted, going insane? Being vulnerable? Losing everything that society tells me to value?
I am in a state of flux
Drifting around the expanse of my true self and I don’t know how to be.
Who am I?
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
More tricky therapy…
Yesterday was exhausting, but I woke up aware. I get it now. I understand where the discord is coming from and why I am at odds with family. There comes a time in your life, for some people, that we allow ourselves to build a new family unit with another. Normally, this is an extension of your family. In my case, coming from a co-dependent, dysfunctional mess of insecurity, this came as a shock to the rest of my family. When I was 21, I had Elan, together, we built our double unit and kept my family. When Jay came into my life, he was accepted and loved by my family. When I got pregnant with Inara, everything changed. Finally, at 36 I had my own true family unit to build. Finally, I had unconditional love and support from a man that I could love and support. This is when I started changing. I bucked it at first, afraid to be reliant on him as family, afraid that he would leave or fail, afraid that he would learn to not love me. I was consumed with this family, the baby, my son and Jay. I began to pull away from the dysfunction because I had so much on my plate. This pulling away hurt people’s feelings. My father was no longer a male figure of importance because he started being so bitter. My sister’s co-dependent relationship with me was so heavy and no matter how much I would try to build her up, she would not build herself up, so I stopped trying to build her up. I had awakened to the fact that my family demanded much of me, but gave me very little positive in return. When you finally have a positive unit, it is easy to see the cracks in the glass that you once lived in.
So all this discord, I can trace back to my growing, my transforming into a person who is a part of a new unit. In a perfect world, we can have our family and our new unit. In my world, the immaturity, stunted growth and selfishness makes this difficult. I want to rebuild with my sister, I do not want to rebuild with my father, but my father is still a figure of importance and influence with my relationship with my sister. Its tricky. I need to learn how to have a non-co-dependent relationship with her, and that is tricky. I have always been the rock, and I provided the rock out of love. But I cannot be her rock, I can not be her sole support system. I used to have a book, Co-Dependent No More, but I gave it to a friend…I hate that I learn something and forget the fundamentals, drives me nuts!
Now, my father, I cannot forgive…I’m hard as they come once I’ve been burned. So I must learn to allow to maneuver without allowing his opinions/judgment/gossip/nastiness, to penetrate. For the majority of my life, his opinion was so important to me, I valued it, cherished it. When his view changed, it forces me to change my own view of myself. Not literally, but overall, I subconsciously feel worth less because he no longer holds me in regard. In my perfect reality, I would not see or speak with him, but I feel my son would resent that. I could try to be more compassionate about his hurt, but he was so malicious and he is so calculated that I just can’t find it in myself. So I will wait, maneuver and survive.
People don’t like change…this is true for families. Families that are built on favoritism, addiction, resentment and anger, even less so. I am not a stagnant person, I seek the movement, the chaos, the transformation…and I can’t expect everyone in my life to understand and/or embrace that. That was kind of a revelation for me this morning.
So all this discord, I can trace back to my growing, my transforming into a person who is a part of a new unit. In a perfect world, we can have our family and our new unit. In my world, the immaturity, stunted growth and selfishness makes this difficult. I want to rebuild with my sister, I do not want to rebuild with my father, but my father is still a figure of importance and influence with my relationship with my sister. Its tricky. I need to learn how to have a non-co-dependent relationship with her, and that is tricky. I have always been the rock, and I provided the rock out of love. But I cannot be her rock, I can not be her sole support system. I used to have a book, Co-Dependent No More, but I gave it to a friend…I hate that I learn something and forget the fundamentals, drives me nuts!
Now, my father, I cannot forgive…I’m hard as they come once I’ve been burned. So I must learn to allow to maneuver without allowing his opinions/judgment/gossip/nastiness, to penetrate. For the majority of my life, his opinion was so important to me, I valued it, cherished it. When his view changed, it forces me to change my own view of myself. Not literally, but overall, I subconsciously feel worth less because he no longer holds me in regard. In my perfect reality, I would not see or speak with him, but I feel my son would resent that. I could try to be more compassionate about his hurt, but he was so malicious and he is so calculated that I just can’t find it in myself. So I will wait, maneuver and survive.
People don’t like change…this is true for families. Families that are built on favoritism, addiction, resentment and anger, even less so. I am not a stagnant person, I seek the movement, the chaos, the transformation…and I can’t expect everyone in my life to understand and/or embrace that. That was kind of a revelation for me this morning.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
three mistakes
Today, I was my sisters birthday. I took her to lunch, knowing that things have been strained between us for a while, but she is my sister. About 10 minutes into lunch I mentioned something to her about my son. Her face contorted and squinched and her vibe became kind of hostile. At first, I did not press it, but then I got kind of offended because she clearly disapproved. FIRST mistake…I cared, that she thought my take on things were wrong. SECOND mistake, my pride as a mother struck the flame, this is my child. She was passively aggressive in her expression, it is the story of my family and that thought just set me off. I confronted her, we got heated and the strain that has existed between us, spilled all over the table. She threw some real nasty things at me. Our food came and I asked for to-go boxes…I was not going to sit there with her anymore. I was miserable. I missed how we once were. I ruined her birthday. I regretted that I have been trying to establish boundaries with her and in hindsight, realized that I had neglected her. It is a co-dependent sibling relationship. She can suck me dry sometimes and instead of explaining my boundaries with her, I just threw up walls. THIRD mistake, I cannot just avoid people. In avoiding her, I have created anger, resentment and general bad feelings in her. That was not my intent, I was just hoping for a little understanding. We gathered and walked out together, barely speaking and then the rain started and we started apologizing. We made up, partially. I feel drained, exhausted and inept really. I should have said so much more. Then, as I am reliving the whole thing in my head I realize that I need to work on myself, because most of this discord is my fault. My sister has her flaws, but they contributed little to this day.
If I didn’t care about what people thought/said about me, I might still have a relationship with my mother, my father and others in my family. But the truth is, I have always cared when it came to family and that is why I barely speak to any of them. Their perceptions have always been so hurtful to me. But if I wasn’t being told by my sister, these perceptions, would I continue to love them and interact with them in bliss? I don’t know. At some point your family is not privy to special treatment. Shitty people don’t deserve to be held close in my life. But I may not have viewed them as shitty if someone didn’t confide what they were saying behind my back…I don’t know, that’s a tough one.
So I am going to try to not care. It is none of my business what others think of me whether it is coming from the source or some third-party…I’m not interested. This does not mean that people wont continue to throw their opinions/thoughts/perceptions around, but I must choose the proper reaction…which should always be ambivalence. Not offended, not hurt, not annoyed, just…whatever, its not important. Just like its not important when people talk religion to me, I have moved past caring to interact in these conversations. I must train myself to not interact because its just an unproductive cycle. Why should I care? Their perception is not a testament or validation of my worth, they are only their reality. I should spend my energy on being a better person, but I’m still not going to care if anyone else thinks I am doing a good job at it. That is within. I’ll fill up my bucket myself, thank you.
If I didn’t care about what people thought/said about me, I might still have a relationship with my mother, my father and others in my family. But the truth is, I have always cared when it came to family and that is why I barely speak to any of them. Their perceptions have always been so hurtful to me. But if I wasn’t being told by my sister, these perceptions, would I continue to love them and interact with them in bliss? I don’t know. At some point your family is not privy to special treatment. Shitty people don’t deserve to be held close in my life. But I may not have viewed them as shitty if someone didn’t confide what they were saying behind my back…I don’t know, that’s a tough one.
So I am going to try to not care. It is none of my business what others think of me whether it is coming from the source or some third-party…I’m not interested. This does not mean that people wont continue to throw their opinions/thoughts/perceptions around, but I must choose the proper reaction…which should always be ambivalence. Not offended, not hurt, not annoyed, just…whatever, its not important. Just like its not important when people talk religion to me, I have moved past caring to interact in these conversations. I must train myself to not interact because its just an unproductive cycle. Why should I care? Their perception is not a testament or validation of my worth, they are only their reality. I should spend my energy on being a better person, but I’m still not going to care if anyone else thinks I am doing a good job at it. That is within. I’ll fill up my bucket myself, thank you.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Hope
I ran across some very interesting concepts in the last few days.
The movie Zeitgeist (www.zeitgeistmovie.com), is basically what many term as a conspiracy theory documentary. But the truth is facts (not the possibility) about our money driven world society. Upon first hearing what a world without money might be like, I found myself picking it apart, thinking it naive...wouldn't men always want to dominate and control? Perhaps not, perhaps that is learned behavior. wouldn't such a society be ripe for corruption? Perhaps not, if people were content, full, richly stimulated by the common good.
From this movie, I found The Venus Project, www.thevenusproject.com. Which of course got me thinking about technology. Profit driven technology is repressed technology. When I look at how far we advanced in some areas and not in others, it is obvious. The unharnessed clean and sustainable energy sources are AMAZING and limitless in their possibility. I honestly do think a society can be created that participates in the pattern of Nature, as opposed to abusing and controlling. Again, money has become the worlds religion, it has programed us all to believe that there can be nothing else. It has programmed us to accept a very small, limited short-sightedness.
Today I found a Awakening As One, a very sexy, polished, but still inspiring, movement. www.awakeningasone.com I have always, always believed in the vibration. I have always been able to feel it. It exists for all creatures and plant life and it you pay attention, you can observe it. This "Quickening" they speak of is happening, everywhere. The signs and oracles are all around us waiting to be seen and one that third eye opens, it is a little overwhelming. But when taken with a simple concept of BEING THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD, it inspires and gives me hope. I want to inspire others, not those who are not so inclined, but rather, inspire those on the verge. People who feel wrong, who feel guilt, people who understand that we can not continue in this hatefulness. Those are the people who feel it, but do not think outside the box that is containing them. They can not imagine how they can change things, but they know change is necessary. These people are hammered back into thoughtlessness by a lack of hope, a lack of putting the pieces together and painting a new picture in their mind.
Without sound like to much like the crunchy tree hugging witch that I am, I am convinced that the vibrational resonance in the world is rising...I feel it. My antenna is up and things (stones, books, tarot cards), knowledge and understanding have been coming at me steady for the last few months. At first, I laughed at myself. I thought, yeah right, you are having a spiritual awakening, in your head. But the more I trusted the possibility, trusted the intuition, trusted the vision, the more I am sure that this is real. Couple that with the knowledge that people all over the world are feeling this too, that is hopeful to me. In 1999-2000, I remember feeling the vibration, my mind was opening, but I shut it out, it was to much for me to bear alone and I had no one to reach to in order to get some reassurance. We've become so "rational" that it is hard to trust that which we know when we have been told that which we know is crazy. Today that is not the case.
I am inspired, wide open and participating in the pattern.
The movie Zeitgeist (www.zeitgeistmovie.com), is basically what many term as a conspiracy theory documentary. But the truth is facts (not the possibility) about our money driven world society. Upon first hearing what a world without money might be like, I found myself picking it apart, thinking it naive...wouldn't men always want to dominate and control? Perhaps not, perhaps that is learned behavior. wouldn't such a society be ripe for corruption? Perhaps not, if people were content, full, richly stimulated by the common good.
From this movie, I found The Venus Project, www.thevenusproject.com. Which of course got me thinking about technology. Profit driven technology is repressed technology. When I look at how far we advanced in some areas and not in others, it is obvious. The unharnessed clean and sustainable energy sources are AMAZING and limitless in their possibility. I honestly do think a society can be created that participates in the pattern of Nature, as opposed to abusing and controlling. Again, money has become the worlds religion, it has programed us all to believe that there can be nothing else. It has programmed us to accept a very small, limited short-sightedness.
Today I found a Awakening As One, a very sexy, polished, but still inspiring, movement. www.awakeningasone.com I have always, always believed in the vibration. I have always been able to feel it. It exists for all creatures and plant life and it you pay attention, you can observe it. This "Quickening" they speak of is happening, everywhere. The signs and oracles are all around us waiting to be seen and one that third eye opens, it is a little overwhelming. But when taken with a simple concept of BEING THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD, it inspires and gives me hope. I want to inspire others, not those who are not so inclined, but rather, inspire those on the verge. People who feel wrong, who feel guilt, people who understand that we can not continue in this hatefulness. Those are the people who feel it, but do not think outside the box that is containing them. They can not imagine how they can change things, but they know change is necessary. These people are hammered back into thoughtlessness by a lack of hope, a lack of putting the pieces together and painting a new picture in their mind.
Without sound like to much like the crunchy tree hugging witch that I am, I am convinced that the vibrational resonance in the world is rising...I feel it. My antenna is up and things (stones, books, tarot cards), knowledge and understanding have been coming at me steady for the last few months. At first, I laughed at myself. I thought, yeah right, you are having a spiritual awakening, in your head. But the more I trusted the possibility, trusted the intuition, trusted the vision, the more I am sure that this is real. Couple that with the knowledge that people all over the world are feeling this too, that is hopeful to me. In 1999-2000, I remember feeling the vibration, my mind was opening, but I shut it out, it was to much for me to bear alone and I had no one to reach to in order to get some reassurance. We've become so "rational" that it is hard to trust that which we know when we have been told that which we know is crazy. Today that is not the case.
I am inspired, wide open and participating in the pattern.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
a soapbox rant
I am truly disturbed by the comments I read in response to current events articles/polls. I don’t understand the mindset of my ‘fellow’ Americans in the least bit. There is so much hostility. Misguided and even subliminally planted hostility perhaps?
This morning, a poll asking:
“Would you support the deportation of natural-born American citizens that are the children of illegal immigrants?”
44% said yes; 49% said no and 7% said maybe
This country was founded on this belief. Many, many, many of the people in my family, in my professional and personal life are citizens of this country because this is the open-armed stance branded on the spirit of this country. Grandparents foreign born, great-grandparents and yes, parents who came here seeking prosperity (legal or not) found solace in the fact that they were, just by being on this land, creating a better life for their blood.
This debate circling around immigration is a smoke screen. A distraction of monumental proportions aimed at shooting through your emotions and keeping you embroiled in a moot point. Creating a division of people based on things that matter little in the scheme of the truth. The government is sending troops to patrol the border, Arizona is going rouge in an attempt to “bring light on the situation”, everyone and their racist mothers are offended and people who sympathize and have compassion are uneducated or worse, liberals. The truth is, it is not about patrolling the border, it is not about preventing people from coming here, it is not about the money and the burden of the communities affected…It is about a government not being forward thinking enough on purpose. The simple solution is so simple and so righteous and so obvious, but yet, the minds are not going there. What is required is a way to make illegal’s legal. Im so sick and tired of people making excuses. Im sick and tired of hearing people’s perfectly planted rage against people just trying to live. Find a way to allow people to come and work and support their families.
The ignorance of the ripple effects we as Americans create all over the world astounds me daily. Your privilege and your comfort come at a karmic price. You have an opportunity every single day to balance the scale through compassion and true understanding. Walk in peoples shoes and stay awake.
This morning, a poll asking:
“Would you support the deportation of natural-born American citizens that are the children of illegal immigrants?”
44% said yes; 49% said no and 7% said maybe
This country was founded on this belief. Many, many, many of the people in my family, in my professional and personal life are citizens of this country because this is the open-armed stance branded on the spirit of this country. Grandparents foreign born, great-grandparents and yes, parents who came here seeking prosperity (legal or not) found solace in the fact that they were, just by being on this land, creating a better life for their blood.
This debate circling around immigration is a smoke screen. A distraction of monumental proportions aimed at shooting through your emotions and keeping you embroiled in a moot point. Creating a division of people based on things that matter little in the scheme of the truth. The government is sending troops to patrol the border, Arizona is going rouge in an attempt to “bring light on the situation”, everyone and their racist mothers are offended and people who sympathize and have compassion are uneducated or worse, liberals. The truth is, it is not about patrolling the border, it is not about preventing people from coming here, it is not about the money and the burden of the communities affected…It is about a government not being forward thinking enough on purpose. The simple solution is so simple and so righteous and so obvious, but yet, the minds are not going there. What is required is a way to make illegal’s legal. Im so sick and tired of people making excuses. Im sick and tired of hearing people’s perfectly planted rage against people just trying to live. Find a way to allow people to come and work and support their families.
The ignorance of the ripple effects we as Americans create all over the world astounds me daily. Your privilege and your comfort come at a karmic price. You have an opportunity every single day to balance the scale through compassion and true understanding. Walk in peoples shoes and stay awake.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
a possible return
I guess it has been a whole year...my priorities have left little room for me to be me and the spirit hadn't moved me. but now its spring, my forever reincarnation, full of emotion, ready to burst. but I am afraid of the words, afraid of their resentment against the time I've left them alone.
personally, I am in a good place. spiritually, I am headed in a good place. poetically, I am trapped. Hung up on bitter emotions that I feel are a waste of paper. my actions in life make me feel inadequate to express the word.
I started this blog to have a place to write without being known, without being judged by those who share my physical life. But the wall I've built around my heart won't allow the flow I need to survive. So today...I am making a commitment to try.
My life is full,
I am perched on the Spring and ready to unfold
This casing that I was born into must fall away
It no longer defines me.
personally, I am in a good place. spiritually, I am headed in a good place. poetically, I am trapped. Hung up on bitter emotions that I feel are a waste of paper. my actions in life make me feel inadequate to express the word.
I started this blog to have a place to write without being known, without being judged by those who share my physical life. But the wall I've built around my heart won't allow the flow I need to survive. So today...I am making a commitment to try.
My life is full,
I am perched on the Spring and ready to unfold
This casing that I was born into must fall away
It no longer defines me.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
well then
first post on blogger...
so I've had an easyjournal blog for almost 8 years and used it as an outlet that I shared with people online that I knew through a few writing boards. This journal gave me the opportunity to create without judgement...like exposing yourself to strangers was somehow less invasive because they never met me face to face. I made a mistake a few years ago, I fell in love and gave this person a link to my journal. I wanted him to read my poetry, I wanted to be honest and vulnerable with him, I wanted him to know my thoughts and my thought processes. But, a lot happens in love doesn't it? We are still together, but trying to create on that journal has made me mute...I can no longer freely express myself there. To make it worse, he shared the link with friends and now they occassionally read...so how am I supposed to pour out my emotion on our latest drama? How am I supposed to be verbally intimate with myself and my fantasies when people take things literally and want to know whats going on with "us". I haven't been able to really write creatively in over a year for many reasons. I miss the anonymous abandon of my old online journal and so...here I am.
so I've had an easyjournal blog for almost 8 years and used it as an outlet that I shared with people online that I knew through a few writing boards. This journal gave me the opportunity to create without judgement...like exposing yourself to strangers was somehow less invasive because they never met me face to face. I made a mistake a few years ago, I fell in love and gave this person a link to my journal. I wanted him to read my poetry, I wanted to be honest and vulnerable with him, I wanted him to know my thoughts and my thought processes. But, a lot happens in love doesn't it? We are still together, but trying to create on that journal has made me mute...I can no longer freely express myself there. To make it worse, he shared the link with friends and now they occassionally read...so how am I supposed to pour out my emotion on our latest drama? How am I supposed to be verbally intimate with myself and my fantasies when people take things literally and want to know whats going on with "us". I haven't been able to really write creatively in over a year for many reasons. I miss the anonymous abandon of my old online journal and so...here I am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)