so i left that spewing piece here to sit by itself for a few weeks. felt good to get it off my chest, but re-reading it makes me ashamed of myself.
my father is flawed, as we all are. such anger is not an answer to the problem. I am not sure what the answer is if there is even one. I am taking the moments as they come, letting go of the moments that have long since passed. I am not going to guilt myself into 'action' as I just don't have the fight in me. I will not guilt myself into feeling at all actually.
Time may heal us, he is my father. Words can fall harshly, but only matter if the ears they fall on, believe them. So perhaps, it doesn't matter. And perhaps, I need to keep my spirit focused on more positive things.
that which i put into the world, is that which the world will return to me.
my energy is aligning itself without my will, it is being guided to a place where I am empowered. when I wrap my head around the discomfort of guilt and anger, I realize that I do not need to sit there if I choose not to. my mind, my spirit, my energy is strong enough to change my reality. and this is what I am choosing to focus on.
I feel like I am coming back to a place of knowledge that I once held, but unlearned through the struggles that life throws us. It is easy to wrap your head around it and dance with it for a while. I want to retain it, find a practice, a daily affirmation, something to keep it playing in the background of my experiences.
I am journaling nightly now as a form of therapy, release and understanding. I have neglected the part of myself that pours onto a page for fear of judgment, fear that I might not make sense, might contradict, might be self-absorbed. So stupid! I feel like I was blindfolded and spun and now that the blind fold is off, everything is still spinning. I am out of sorts with my myself, time to realign and gain strength through the understanding of myself again.
~peace, love & light~