The last few weeks feel like a languid dream. Finding my way through myself is an ever present activity and when I come out on the other end I wonder how i am perceived by others. In truth, I care little about what people think of me, until I am in a mental moment like today when I reflect back on the years and wonder. by then its to late. impressions are made immediately, my behavior or misbehavior reflects on me only by those who judge...and all people judge. I'm talking in circles because I am starting to realize that I am a bit stingy with my friendships. I give 110% if you are a friend, but calling you a friend is a rare thing for me. Its not because I don't value friends, don't see the beauty and light in people, its just that I don't want to be vulnerable with people. I would rather stand alone, then hold hands with danger. I was watching that movie Up In The Air, I could relate to the lies he was telling himself. It may be easier, but it is not more fulfilling.

I am not who I was 20 years ago, but I am not as far removed as I would like to expect from myself. My nature has remained consistent, through all my revelations, all my evolution, I am still basically the same, only perhaps slightly more compassionate. That is kind of funnywierdstupid to me...