"i have come to tell you that i have come. on the way, i noted women transfixed by the light coming from their centers. their heads are bowed. they have learned that if you tilt your neck to the slightest degree and hold your head just so you can look into the lost worlds. they are there retrieving their young from the clutches of negligent daycare. they have come to care for the night. many of them are glowing brighter than the moon herself. thank the heavens she is not jealous in her luminescence, for i have seen many women glowing beyond the intensity of the moon and thought that perhaps the night had mirrored itself in the wake of this glorious occasion: our communion. yes, i have come. i have had a safe journey, although my fears had mounted against me. there were many mountains of my own making and valleys of days without vision."
Saul Williams ~ from the book She
Monday, December 13, 2010
ten pulses
her spirit limps
down lonely sterile halls
fists clenched
lips bit
while her body
lays lingering
behind bars with
mickey mouse sheets
and chemical stinks.
created in the pressure of a memory
her restlessness blooms
eager magenta moons
tidal quips
seeking lifts
and warmth
from a mothers arms.
slippery weak lungs beg
for forgiveness
for deeds of another lifetime
her mind,
young and deaf
listens only for her voice
between the nurses page
and the detached fear
of her own rage
slamming against the wooden rails.
created in the hesitation of a mother
a daughter drowns
in the fluid of pneumonia.
the thick and wet
of abandonment.
(a ten word writing excercise: lonely, eager, magenta, lingering, slippery, tidal, pressure, deaf, seeking, hesitation)
down lonely sterile halls
fists clenched
lips bit
while her body
lays lingering
behind bars with
mickey mouse sheets
and chemical stinks.
created in the pressure of a memory
her restlessness blooms
eager magenta moons
tidal quips
seeking lifts
and warmth
from a mothers arms.
slippery weak lungs beg
for forgiveness
for deeds of another lifetime
her mind,
young and deaf
listens only for her voice
between the nurses page
and the detached fear
of her own rage
slamming against the wooden rails.
created in the hesitation of a mother
a daughter drowns
in the fluid of pneumonia.
the thick and wet
of abandonment.
(a ten word writing excercise: lonely, eager, magenta, lingering, slippery, tidal, pressure, deaf, seeking, hesitation)
Monday, November 22, 2010
Neruda
THE HEAVENLY POETS
Pablo Neruda
What have you done
you intellectualists?
you mystifiers?
you false existentialist sorcerers?
you surrealistic poppies shining on a tomb?
you pale grubs in the capitalist cheese?
What did you do
about the kingdom of anguish?
about this dark human being
kicked into submission?
about this head
submerged in manure?
about this essence
of harsh, trampled lives?
You didn't do anything but escape
you sold piles of debris
you looked for heavenly hairs
cowardly plants, broken fingernails
"pure beauty" "magic".
Your works were those of poor frightened folk
trying to keep your eyes from looking
trying to protect their delicate pupils
so you could make for your living
a plate of dirty scraps
which the masters flung to you.
Without seeing that the stones are in agony,
without defending, without conquering,
blinder than the wreaths
in the cemetery when the rain
falls on the motionless
rotten flowers on the tomb.
Pablo Neruda
What have you done
you intellectualists?
you mystifiers?
you false existentialist sorcerers?
you surrealistic poppies shining on a tomb?
you pale grubs in the capitalist cheese?
What did you do
about the kingdom of anguish?
about this dark human being
kicked into submission?
about this head
submerged in manure?
about this essence
of harsh, trampled lives?
You didn't do anything but escape
you sold piles of debris
you looked for heavenly hairs
cowardly plants, broken fingernails
"pure beauty" "magic".
Your works were those of poor frightened folk
trying to keep your eyes from looking
trying to protect their delicate pupils
so you could make for your living
a plate of dirty scraps
which the masters flung to you.
Without seeing that the stones are in agony,
without defending, without conquering,
blinder than the wreaths
in the cemetery when the rain
falls on the motionless
rotten flowers on the tomb.
Detached
Disclaimer (lol): I was thinking it would be easy for him to stumble upon this and be hurt. The truth is, it was a purge, an angry, vile, silent rant...and it felt good. But it is not the whole truth, it was only a moment.
At the moment,
I have no hope that we can make it
No feelings of permanence
Only neglect, bitterness and solitude.
You’re ugly
You’re full of rage
Your victimized reality bores me.
At the moment,
I feel I put out more than is given
Stroking your ego,
Soothing my own hurt,
I constantly wonder who has your attention
Because its certainly not present here.
You’re absent
You’re guarded
Your lack of intimacy is stifling.
At the moment,
I am living with a stranger
Who avoids me.
The space between us is ravenous.
At the moment,
I am daydreaming about something new
Not pouring energy into repairing
Something of value.
Because the worth has faded
Time has passed it over
And left a sheen of fuck yous.
At the moment,
I am finding my alone happy
Not a single thought of who I once fell in love with
Not a single regret of how we used to be
Not one tiny grain of hope for us.
Alone I can do,
Misery with you,
Seems unbearable.
At the moment,
I don’t know if I love you.
I don’t know if I care if you don’t love me.
I don’t trust you.
Your secrecy has outworn its welcome.
Your distance has created havoc.
Your hollow excuses are cartoonish.
At the moment,
I feel bad for writing these things
It is difficult to contain
My hurt feelings popping up
Like heated kernels
of love lost.
At the moment,
I want to keep this all to myself
And watch you flounder
In this sea of bullshit.
I want to bide my time.
Sever my feelings.
And become detached
Like you.
At the moment,
I have no hope that we can make it
No feelings of permanence
Only neglect, bitterness and solitude.
You’re ugly
You’re full of rage
Your victimized reality bores me.
At the moment,
I feel I put out more than is given
Stroking your ego,
Soothing my own hurt,
I constantly wonder who has your attention
Because its certainly not present here.
You’re absent
You’re guarded
Your lack of intimacy is stifling.
At the moment,
I am living with a stranger
Who avoids me.
The space between us is ravenous.
At the moment,
I am daydreaming about something new
Not pouring energy into repairing
Something of value.
Because the worth has faded
Time has passed it over
And left a sheen of fuck yous.
At the moment,
I am finding my alone happy
Not a single thought of who I once fell in love with
Not a single regret of how we used to be
Not one tiny grain of hope for us.
Alone I can do,
Misery with you,
Seems unbearable.
At the moment,
I don’t know if I love you.
I don’t know if I care if you don’t love me.
I don’t trust you.
Your secrecy has outworn its welcome.
Your distance has created havoc.
Your hollow excuses are cartoonish.
At the moment,
I feel bad for writing these things
It is difficult to contain
My hurt feelings popping up
Like heated kernels
of love lost.
At the moment,
I want to keep this all to myself
And watch you flounder
In this sea of bullshit.
I want to bide my time.
Sever my feelings.
And become detached
Like you.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
a nagging nag
Write me, write me, write me scream the words in my head
As I toil with the unimportant, the sarcastic and the hopeless
My will falls flat and leaves the words to remain disconnected to the greater whole of creativity.
Write what? Which thought? Which emotion? Which tricky piece of word play will tickle my inspiration?
Write about nothing, write lists about aspirations, write about your flaws, write about your guilt, write about your longing, your staccato, your ambivalent passion…
Write about where you want to be, who you want to be, write about your past, your secrets. Write about tomorrow that seriously may not come, write about your faith, your pessimism, your hopeful vibration.
Write about love you’ve lost, love you found and love that never touched your spirit but drew maps all over your body.
Write about your loneliness that exists everywhere no matter how many warm bodies fill up a room.
Write about the rapid changes, the flagrant fixed and the wildly wobbly nature that tortures you.
Write…Write…Write
Create a whole by piercing a hole in your protective bubble.
As I toil with the unimportant, the sarcastic and the hopeless
My will falls flat and leaves the words to remain disconnected to the greater whole of creativity.
Write what? Which thought? Which emotion? Which tricky piece of word play will tickle my inspiration?
Write about nothing, write lists about aspirations, write about your flaws, write about your guilt, write about your longing, your staccato, your ambivalent passion…
Write about where you want to be, who you want to be, write about your past, your secrets. Write about tomorrow that seriously may not come, write about your faith, your pessimism, your hopeful vibration.
Write about love you’ve lost, love you found and love that never touched your spirit but drew maps all over your body.
Write about your loneliness that exists everywhere no matter how many warm bodies fill up a room.
Write about the rapid changes, the flagrant fixed and the wildly wobbly nature that tortures you.
Write…Write…Write
Create a whole by piercing a hole in your protective bubble.
fly your flag...
No longer tethered to that corporate professional pole, my freak flag blossoms in the wind
No longer concerned about my slightly askew point of view, my peripheral experience is my strength
No longer embarrassed by my instinctive use of words, like poisonous flowers, harmonious and hard hitting
Camouflaged for so long in just trying to not be noticed, I forgot how different I am. Not that I ever wanted to be normal, but still, I was putting on a show to survive in an environment that is stifled. A world that considers different, crazy. I am definitely preoccupied with and afraid of crazy. Old friends, we often sit on the edge of sanity together. She lives in my bones, in the fat of my mother’s flesh and in the tears of my sister. But, I am starting to understand. If I repress my nature for the sake of others or for the sake of my own fear, I will go crazy. TO THYNE OWNSELF BE TRUE. I am unique. I am beautiful and ugly, forward thinking and repressed, compassionate and angry, mother and child. I do not hear they way others hear, or see, or feel…my perspective is colored by my emotions and my intuition. It could be said that there is nothing more pertinent, nothing more real, nothing more necessary in this world.
No longer concerned about my slightly askew point of view, my peripheral experience is my strength
No longer embarrassed by my instinctive use of words, like poisonous flowers, harmonious and hard hitting
Camouflaged for so long in just trying to not be noticed, I forgot how different I am. Not that I ever wanted to be normal, but still, I was putting on a show to survive in an environment that is stifled. A world that considers different, crazy. I am definitely preoccupied with and afraid of crazy. Old friends, we often sit on the edge of sanity together. She lives in my bones, in the fat of my mother’s flesh and in the tears of my sister. But, I am starting to understand. If I repress my nature for the sake of others or for the sake of my own fear, I will go crazy. TO THYNE OWNSELF BE TRUE. I am unique. I am beautiful and ugly, forward thinking and repressed, compassionate and angry, mother and child. I do not hear they way others hear, or see, or feel…my perspective is colored by my emotions and my intuition. It could be said that there is nothing more pertinent, nothing more real, nothing more necessary in this world.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
"The only thing wrong with you is thinking that there is something wrong with you."
I am coming to the realization that I blame myself for everything, it is my first response to any sort of discord or failure, "it must be me". This is so f@cked up when I actually think about it! #1 - its arrogant, like I have the power and the influence to control other peoples reactions or feelings #2 - its self-absorbed, like everything circles around me and my actions or feelings #3 - its self-hating/rejecting, like a cycle, its a way of confirming our low self worth.
For example, my man is away for the month of August. I sent him a poem I wrote during our falling-in-love phase. I wanted to give him something to keep in his heart while he was away. He ignored it, no response, no acknowledgment. I meant to make him smile, warm him up a little. But it could have been taken differently on his end. I can't control how it was taken, but my first reaction was..."maybe he thought I was trying to manipulate or control, or maybe it came off as clingy...blah, blah, blah. I automatically blamed myself. But in truth, it was rude of him, we have been together for 4 years, he knows that this inaction, would sting.
But it got me thinking that in our relationship, I take the blame for our failures/holes...I never say "well, Jay is just a little inconsiderate". I should, I should totally acknowledge his contribution as a whole. But instead, I feel like my flaws are the root of ALL of our issues...and that is just not the truth.
Im so over blaming myself for everything. The overwhelming amount of guilt I feel at any given moment is stifling. I am me, all the positive and all the negative, but I am good person and I mean well in all my actions. I need to acknowledge my worth, my value...not my sit in my negatives all the time.
I am coming to the realization that I blame myself for everything, it is my first response to any sort of discord or failure, "it must be me". This is so f@cked up when I actually think about it! #1 - its arrogant, like I have the power and the influence to control other peoples reactions or feelings #2 - its self-absorbed, like everything circles around me and my actions or feelings #3 - its self-hating/rejecting, like a cycle, its a way of confirming our low self worth.
For example, my man is away for the month of August. I sent him a poem I wrote during our falling-in-love phase. I wanted to give him something to keep in his heart while he was away. He ignored it, no response, no acknowledgment. I meant to make him smile, warm him up a little. But it could have been taken differently on his end. I can't control how it was taken, but my first reaction was..."maybe he thought I was trying to manipulate or control, or maybe it came off as clingy...blah, blah, blah. I automatically blamed myself. But in truth, it was rude of him, we have been together for 4 years, he knows that this inaction, would sting.
But it got me thinking that in our relationship, I take the blame for our failures/holes...I never say "well, Jay is just a little inconsiderate". I should, I should totally acknowledge his contribution as a whole. But instead, I feel like my flaws are the root of ALL of our issues...and that is just not the truth.
Im so over blaming myself for everything. The overwhelming amount of guilt I feel at any given moment is stifling. I am me, all the positive and all the negative, but I am good person and I mean well in all my actions. I need to acknowledge my worth, my value...not my sit in my negatives all the time.
Friday, July 30, 2010
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."
Anatole France
so true...perhaps my uneasiness stems from straddling two worlds. eventually I must let go of the old and my sentimentality is holding on for dear life. the last 15 years have served me so well, independently, strong and able. I valued these things about myself. The new direction requires less sufficiency and more softness, more openness. Those attributes I also value...but they are so vulnerable.
Anatole France
so true...perhaps my uneasiness stems from straddling two worlds. eventually I must let go of the old and my sentimentality is holding on for dear life. the last 15 years have served me so well, independently, strong and able. I valued these things about myself. The new direction requires less sufficiency and more softness, more openness. Those attributes I also value...but they are so vulnerable.
drifter
I’m drifting in and out of motivation and melancholy
Reaching for dry air,
Saturated by the humid nature of myself
Drifting amongst waves of silence and outbursts of passion, that only I can hear
I have no idea what it looks like from the outside, but on the inside it is a pendulum
The equilibrium pivots from death to life in a single breath
Drifting aimlessly without an anchor to pull me back into some semblance of relief
I am not angry, I am not sad, I am ambivalent, kind of numb and troublingly disoriented
The span of 24 hours feels ancient, I forgot what I said, how I reacted or what I even felt
Relaxed, without strain or tension, I coast and forget
Tight and stressed, I recorded every detail of every moment.
Drifting from solitude to a desperate need for interaction
And getting ruffled from the unavailability of myself.
I feel so different from myself
The focus and the determination are slipping and there is a panic to that realization
Will I be me without those attributes?
Is this permanent?
Am I fading?
Am I becoming a fragment of my previous self?
Do I care?
Because I’m not sure that I do.
For once in my life I am not carrying the weight.
For once in my life I do not have puff up and appear greater and stronger than I actually feel.
There is such a liberation going on inside of me without those restraints
But it scares me to wander, to drift too far away from the middle line that I’ve always considered ‘normal’
I despise my immature emotions
I feel foolish with these bursts of feeling, and yet, they are true, they are honest, they are me.
Is it possible that I’ve walked around for 38 years wearing someone else’s skin?
And now that it is shedding, I feel naked…exposed and undeveloped.
I’m not sure where the fear is rooted, going insane? Being vulnerable? Losing everything that society tells me to value?
I am in a state of flux
Drifting around the expanse of my true self and I don’t know how to be.
Who am I?
Reaching for dry air,
Saturated by the humid nature of myself
Drifting amongst waves of silence and outbursts of passion, that only I can hear
I have no idea what it looks like from the outside, but on the inside it is a pendulum
The equilibrium pivots from death to life in a single breath
Drifting aimlessly without an anchor to pull me back into some semblance of relief
I am not angry, I am not sad, I am ambivalent, kind of numb and troublingly disoriented
The span of 24 hours feels ancient, I forgot what I said, how I reacted or what I even felt
Relaxed, without strain or tension, I coast and forget
Tight and stressed, I recorded every detail of every moment.
Drifting from solitude to a desperate need for interaction
And getting ruffled from the unavailability of myself.
I feel so different from myself
The focus and the determination are slipping and there is a panic to that realization
Will I be me without those attributes?
Is this permanent?
Am I fading?
Am I becoming a fragment of my previous self?
Do I care?
Because I’m not sure that I do.
For once in my life I am not carrying the weight.
For once in my life I do not have puff up and appear greater and stronger than I actually feel.
There is such a liberation going on inside of me without those restraints
But it scares me to wander, to drift too far away from the middle line that I’ve always considered ‘normal’
I despise my immature emotions
I feel foolish with these bursts of feeling, and yet, they are true, they are honest, they are me.
Is it possible that I’ve walked around for 38 years wearing someone else’s skin?
And now that it is shedding, I feel naked…exposed and undeveloped.
I’m not sure where the fear is rooted, going insane? Being vulnerable? Losing everything that society tells me to value?
I am in a state of flux
Drifting around the expanse of my true self and I don’t know how to be.
Who am I?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
More tricky therapy…
Yesterday was exhausting, but I woke up aware. I get it now. I understand where the discord is coming from and why I am at odds with family. There comes a time in your life, for some people, that we allow ourselves to build a new family unit with another. Normally, this is an extension of your family. In my case, coming from a co-dependent, dysfunctional mess of insecurity, this came as a shock to the rest of my family. When I was 21, I had Elan, together, we built our double unit and kept my family. When Jay came into my life, he was accepted and loved by my family. When I got pregnant with Inara, everything changed. Finally, at 36 I had my own true family unit to build. Finally, I had unconditional love and support from a man that I could love and support. This is when I started changing. I bucked it at first, afraid to be reliant on him as family, afraid that he would leave or fail, afraid that he would learn to not love me. I was consumed with this family, the baby, my son and Jay. I began to pull away from the dysfunction because I had so much on my plate. This pulling away hurt people’s feelings. My father was no longer a male figure of importance because he started being so bitter. My sister’s co-dependent relationship with me was so heavy and no matter how much I would try to build her up, she would not build herself up, so I stopped trying to build her up. I had awakened to the fact that my family demanded much of me, but gave me very little positive in return. When you finally have a positive unit, it is easy to see the cracks in the glass that you once lived in.
So all this discord, I can trace back to my growing, my transforming into a person who is a part of a new unit. In a perfect world, we can have our family and our new unit. In my world, the immaturity, stunted growth and selfishness makes this difficult. I want to rebuild with my sister, I do not want to rebuild with my father, but my father is still a figure of importance and influence with my relationship with my sister. Its tricky. I need to learn how to have a non-co-dependent relationship with her, and that is tricky. I have always been the rock, and I provided the rock out of love. But I cannot be her rock, I can not be her sole support system. I used to have a book, Co-Dependent No More, but I gave it to a friend…I hate that I learn something and forget the fundamentals, drives me nuts!
Now, my father, I cannot forgive…I’m hard as they come once I’ve been burned. So I must learn to allow to maneuver without allowing his opinions/judgment/gossip/nastiness, to penetrate. For the majority of my life, his opinion was so important to me, I valued it, cherished it. When his view changed, it forces me to change my own view of myself. Not literally, but overall, I subconsciously feel worth less because he no longer holds me in regard. In my perfect reality, I would not see or speak with him, but I feel my son would resent that. I could try to be more compassionate about his hurt, but he was so malicious and he is so calculated that I just can’t find it in myself. So I will wait, maneuver and survive.
People don’t like change…this is true for families. Families that are built on favoritism, addiction, resentment and anger, even less so. I am not a stagnant person, I seek the movement, the chaos, the transformation…and I can’t expect everyone in my life to understand and/or embrace that. That was kind of a revelation for me this morning.
So all this discord, I can trace back to my growing, my transforming into a person who is a part of a new unit. In a perfect world, we can have our family and our new unit. In my world, the immaturity, stunted growth and selfishness makes this difficult. I want to rebuild with my sister, I do not want to rebuild with my father, but my father is still a figure of importance and influence with my relationship with my sister. Its tricky. I need to learn how to have a non-co-dependent relationship with her, and that is tricky. I have always been the rock, and I provided the rock out of love. But I cannot be her rock, I can not be her sole support system. I used to have a book, Co-Dependent No More, but I gave it to a friend…I hate that I learn something and forget the fundamentals, drives me nuts!
Now, my father, I cannot forgive…I’m hard as they come once I’ve been burned. So I must learn to allow to maneuver without allowing his opinions/judgment/gossip/nastiness, to penetrate. For the majority of my life, his opinion was so important to me, I valued it, cherished it. When his view changed, it forces me to change my own view of myself. Not literally, but overall, I subconsciously feel worth less because he no longer holds me in regard. In my perfect reality, I would not see or speak with him, but I feel my son would resent that. I could try to be more compassionate about his hurt, but he was so malicious and he is so calculated that I just can’t find it in myself. So I will wait, maneuver and survive.
People don’t like change…this is true for families. Families that are built on favoritism, addiction, resentment and anger, even less so. I am not a stagnant person, I seek the movement, the chaos, the transformation…and I can’t expect everyone in my life to understand and/or embrace that. That was kind of a revelation for me this morning.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
three mistakes
Today, I was my sisters birthday. I took her to lunch, knowing that things have been strained between us for a while, but she is my sister. About 10 minutes into lunch I mentioned something to her about my son. Her face contorted and squinched and her vibe became kind of hostile. At first, I did not press it, but then I got kind of offended because she clearly disapproved. FIRST mistake…I cared, that she thought my take on things were wrong. SECOND mistake, my pride as a mother struck the flame, this is my child. She was passively aggressive in her expression, it is the story of my family and that thought just set me off. I confronted her, we got heated and the strain that has existed between us, spilled all over the table. She threw some real nasty things at me. Our food came and I asked for to-go boxes…I was not going to sit there with her anymore. I was miserable. I missed how we once were. I ruined her birthday. I regretted that I have been trying to establish boundaries with her and in hindsight, realized that I had neglected her. It is a co-dependent sibling relationship. She can suck me dry sometimes and instead of explaining my boundaries with her, I just threw up walls. THIRD mistake, I cannot just avoid people. In avoiding her, I have created anger, resentment and general bad feelings in her. That was not my intent, I was just hoping for a little understanding. We gathered and walked out together, barely speaking and then the rain started and we started apologizing. We made up, partially. I feel drained, exhausted and inept really. I should have said so much more. Then, as I am reliving the whole thing in my head I realize that I need to work on myself, because most of this discord is my fault. My sister has her flaws, but they contributed little to this day.
If I didn’t care about what people thought/said about me, I might still have a relationship with my mother, my father and others in my family. But the truth is, I have always cared when it came to family and that is why I barely speak to any of them. Their perceptions have always been so hurtful to me. But if I wasn’t being told by my sister, these perceptions, would I continue to love them and interact with them in bliss? I don’t know. At some point your family is not privy to special treatment. Shitty people don’t deserve to be held close in my life. But I may not have viewed them as shitty if someone didn’t confide what they were saying behind my back…I don’t know, that’s a tough one.
So I am going to try to not care. It is none of my business what others think of me whether it is coming from the source or some third-party…I’m not interested. This does not mean that people wont continue to throw their opinions/thoughts/perceptions around, but I must choose the proper reaction…which should always be ambivalence. Not offended, not hurt, not annoyed, just…whatever, its not important. Just like its not important when people talk religion to me, I have moved past caring to interact in these conversations. I must train myself to not interact because its just an unproductive cycle. Why should I care? Their perception is not a testament or validation of my worth, they are only their reality. I should spend my energy on being a better person, but I’m still not going to care if anyone else thinks I am doing a good job at it. That is within. I’ll fill up my bucket myself, thank you.
If I didn’t care about what people thought/said about me, I might still have a relationship with my mother, my father and others in my family. But the truth is, I have always cared when it came to family and that is why I barely speak to any of them. Their perceptions have always been so hurtful to me. But if I wasn’t being told by my sister, these perceptions, would I continue to love them and interact with them in bliss? I don’t know. At some point your family is not privy to special treatment. Shitty people don’t deserve to be held close in my life. But I may not have viewed them as shitty if someone didn’t confide what they were saying behind my back…I don’t know, that’s a tough one.
So I am going to try to not care. It is none of my business what others think of me whether it is coming from the source or some third-party…I’m not interested. This does not mean that people wont continue to throw their opinions/thoughts/perceptions around, but I must choose the proper reaction…which should always be ambivalence. Not offended, not hurt, not annoyed, just…whatever, its not important. Just like its not important when people talk religion to me, I have moved past caring to interact in these conversations. I must train myself to not interact because its just an unproductive cycle. Why should I care? Their perception is not a testament or validation of my worth, they are only their reality. I should spend my energy on being a better person, but I’m still not going to care if anyone else thinks I am doing a good job at it. That is within. I’ll fill up my bucket myself, thank you.
The last few weeks feel like a languid dream. Finding my way through myself is an ever present activity and when I come out on the other end I wonder how i am perceived by others. In truth, I care little about what people think of me, until I am in a mental moment like today when I reflect back on the years and wonder. by then its to late. impressions are made immediately, my behavior or misbehavior reflects on me only by those who judge...and all people judge. I'm talking in circles because I am starting to realize that I am a bit stingy with my friendships. I give 110% if you are a friend, but calling you a friend is a rare thing for me. Its not because I don't value friends, don't see the beauty and light in people, its just that I don't want to be vulnerable with people. I would rather stand alone, then hold hands with danger. I was watching that movie Up In The Air, I could relate to the lies he was telling himself. It may be easier, but it is not more fulfilling.
I am not who I was 20 years ago, but I am not as far removed as I would like to expect from myself. My nature has remained consistent, through all my revelations, all my evolution, I am still basically the same, only perhaps slightly more compassionate. That is kind of funnywierdstupid to me...
I am not who I was 20 years ago, but I am not as far removed as I would like to expect from myself. My nature has remained consistent, through all my revelations, all my evolution, I am still basically the same, only perhaps slightly more compassionate. That is kind of funnywierdstupid to me...
Friday, June 4, 2010
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
6/4/2010
It's confusing when your intuition is so strong because you cannot justify your actions. You want to trust your feelings because you know how psychically inclined you are today. Your hunches may be correct, yet it's challenging to discern a cause-and-effect relationship between the facts at your disposal and your emotional response to what's happening. Stop trying to over-intellectualize everything; just act on your instincts.
~~~~~
cool...
6/4/2010
It's confusing when your intuition is so strong because you cannot justify your actions. You want to trust your feelings because you know how psychically inclined you are today. Your hunches may be correct, yet it's challenging to discern a cause-and-effect relationship between the facts at your disposal and your emotional response to what's happening. Stop trying to over-intellectualize everything; just act on your instincts.
~~~~~
cool...
Hope
I ran across some very interesting concepts in the last few days.
The movie Zeitgeist (www.zeitgeistmovie.com), is basically what many term as a conspiracy theory documentary. But the truth is facts (not the possibility) about our money driven world society. Upon first hearing what a world without money might be like, I found myself picking it apart, thinking it naive...wouldn't men always want to dominate and control? Perhaps not, perhaps that is learned behavior. wouldn't such a society be ripe for corruption? Perhaps not, if people were content, full, richly stimulated by the common good.
From this movie, I found The Venus Project, www.thevenusproject.com. Which of course got me thinking about technology. Profit driven technology is repressed technology. When I look at how far we advanced in some areas and not in others, it is obvious. The unharnessed clean and sustainable energy sources are AMAZING and limitless in their possibility. I honestly do think a society can be created that participates in the pattern of Nature, as opposed to abusing and controlling. Again, money has become the worlds religion, it has programed us all to believe that there can be nothing else. It has programmed us to accept a very small, limited short-sightedness.
Today I found a Awakening As One, a very sexy, polished, but still inspiring, movement. www.awakeningasone.com I have always, always believed in the vibration. I have always been able to feel it. It exists for all creatures and plant life and it you pay attention, you can observe it. This "Quickening" they speak of is happening, everywhere. The signs and oracles are all around us waiting to be seen and one that third eye opens, it is a little overwhelming. But when taken with a simple concept of BEING THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD, it inspires and gives me hope. I want to inspire others, not those who are not so inclined, but rather, inspire those on the verge. People who feel wrong, who feel guilt, people who understand that we can not continue in this hatefulness. Those are the people who feel it, but do not think outside the box that is containing them. They can not imagine how they can change things, but they know change is necessary. These people are hammered back into thoughtlessness by a lack of hope, a lack of putting the pieces together and painting a new picture in their mind.
Without sound like to much like the crunchy tree hugging witch that I am, I am convinced that the vibrational resonance in the world is rising...I feel it. My antenna is up and things (stones, books, tarot cards), knowledge and understanding have been coming at me steady for the last few months. At first, I laughed at myself. I thought, yeah right, you are having a spiritual awakening, in your head. But the more I trusted the possibility, trusted the intuition, trusted the vision, the more I am sure that this is real. Couple that with the knowledge that people all over the world are feeling this too, that is hopeful to me. In 1999-2000, I remember feeling the vibration, my mind was opening, but I shut it out, it was to much for me to bear alone and I had no one to reach to in order to get some reassurance. We've become so "rational" that it is hard to trust that which we know when we have been told that which we know is crazy. Today that is not the case.
I am inspired, wide open and participating in the pattern.
The movie Zeitgeist (www.zeitgeistmovie.com), is basically what many term as a conspiracy theory documentary. But the truth is facts (not the possibility) about our money driven world society. Upon first hearing what a world without money might be like, I found myself picking it apart, thinking it naive...wouldn't men always want to dominate and control? Perhaps not, perhaps that is learned behavior. wouldn't such a society be ripe for corruption? Perhaps not, if people were content, full, richly stimulated by the common good.
From this movie, I found The Venus Project, www.thevenusproject.com. Which of course got me thinking about technology. Profit driven technology is repressed technology. When I look at how far we advanced in some areas and not in others, it is obvious. The unharnessed clean and sustainable energy sources are AMAZING and limitless in their possibility. I honestly do think a society can be created that participates in the pattern of Nature, as opposed to abusing and controlling. Again, money has become the worlds religion, it has programed us all to believe that there can be nothing else. It has programmed us to accept a very small, limited short-sightedness.
Today I found a Awakening As One, a very sexy, polished, but still inspiring, movement. www.awakeningasone.com I have always, always believed in the vibration. I have always been able to feel it. It exists for all creatures and plant life and it you pay attention, you can observe it. This "Quickening" they speak of is happening, everywhere. The signs and oracles are all around us waiting to be seen and one that third eye opens, it is a little overwhelming. But when taken with a simple concept of BEING THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD, it inspires and gives me hope. I want to inspire others, not those who are not so inclined, but rather, inspire those on the verge. People who feel wrong, who feel guilt, people who understand that we can not continue in this hatefulness. Those are the people who feel it, but do not think outside the box that is containing them. They can not imagine how they can change things, but they know change is necessary. These people are hammered back into thoughtlessness by a lack of hope, a lack of putting the pieces together and painting a new picture in their mind.
Without sound like to much like the crunchy tree hugging witch that I am, I am convinced that the vibrational resonance in the world is rising...I feel it. My antenna is up and things (stones, books, tarot cards), knowledge and understanding have been coming at me steady for the last few months. At first, I laughed at myself. I thought, yeah right, you are having a spiritual awakening, in your head. But the more I trusted the possibility, trusted the intuition, trusted the vision, the more I am sure that this is real. Couple that with the knowledge that people all over the world are feeling this too, that is hopeful to me. In 1999-2000, I remember feeling the vibration, my mind was opening, but I shut it out, it was to much for me to bear alone and I had no one to reach to in order to get some reassurance. We've become so "rational" that it is hard to trust that which we know when we have been told that which we know is crazy. Today that is not the case.
I am inspired, wide open and participating in the pattern.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Slave
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
To release
I hesitate
While my mind swirls around the complex and the frightening
I’ve locked up my voice
With depression and anger,
And the thunderstruck realization of the world I live in
Frozen and fragile
Thin ice
While my water rages on underneath
Pressure building but no release
Is this a decent into a place I don’t want to be
A place of hurt feelings and obsessive distractions
A place of discord and blindness
Veiled under self-absorption
I am bigger than that,
Stronger than that
I reach for the hand of my internal resolve
And it fails me
My head stuffed with cotton
My hands tied with thorny vines
And I scoff at myself, with my self inflicted misery
Pull out
Thaw out
Reach out
Before the dark water reaches my lungs
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
This is fear
A hopeless fear
One nation under siege
One world under destruction
And I stand here
Knowing how to speak but refusing to do so
Knowing how to be the light, but refusing to let it flourish
Refusing to let it spread
Wrapped up in this heavy fabric
This cocoon of my fear
I am trapped by my own consciousness
The power of the mind has squashed my resilience
Fooled me into believing the hype
That I am nothing more than a physical vessel
That matter is omnipotent
That all that exists in this physical existence
Is more important than…anything
Foolishness is the thought
That remains trapped in matter
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
Absorbing the struggles of others
Allowing the strife to penetrate my spirit
Hyper sensitive
In a over stimulating world of despair
Blinders keep me ‘normal’
They also insult my sense of fairness
My need for justice
My need for rebellion
The ever elusive balance
Knowing and caring and caring to know
I have to know
I don’t know how to not care
My mind is doing pretzels
To thwart my efforts of figuring this out
Of finding a way to know and not be overwhelmed.
I am startled by how impressionable I feel
Naked
With a thousand currents of negative vibe shooting at me
Chaffed
Burned by the ice of my surrounded consciousness
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
‘none but ourselves can free our minds’
Freedom
Freedom lives and breathes only in the ability
To control your mind
A passionate expression is perhaps a flawed thought.
A vibrant rebellion is perhaps an illusion.
Unless it is happening in your own consciousness.
And that is the best description for this brain freeze
My mind and my soul are battling
They are both so eager to succeed
That neither realizes they are one.
The mind is bamboozled by matter,
seduced by it even.
The soul is frustrated by its inability to penetrate.
…and I am too…
Frustrated in this state of illusion and confusion
Without some guidance or perspective
No sign or path has led me to sustainable warmth
And that is the thing for which I seek.
Self created,
Self sustainable
Self empowered
Warmth.
The curious thing is my knowing where I have to go
But refusing to go there.
I am a slave.
Frozen am I
To release
I hesitate
While my mind swirls around the complex and the frightening
I’ve locked up my voice
With depression and anger,
And the thunderstruck realization of the world I live in
Frozen and fragile
Thin ice
While my water rages on underneath
Pressure building but no release
Is this a decent into a place I don’t want to be
A place of hurt feelings and obsessive distractions
A place of discord and blindness
Veiled under self-absorption
I am bigger than that,
Stronger than that
I reach for the hand of my internal resolve
And it fails me
My head stuffed with cotton
My hands tied with thorny vines
And I scoff at myself, with my self inflicted misery
Pull out
Thaw out
Reach out
Before the dark water reaches my lungs
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
This is fear
A hopeless fear
One nation under siege
One world under destruction
And I stand here
Knowing how to speak but refusing to do so
Knowing how to be the light, but refusing to let it flourish
Refusing to let it spread
Wrapped up in this heavy fabric
This cocoon of my fear
I am trapped by my own consciousness
The power of the mind has squashed my resilience
Fooled me into believing the hype
That I am nothing more than a physical vessel
That matter is omnipotent
That all that exists in this physical existence
Is more important than…anything
Foolishness is the thought
That remains trapped in matter
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
Absorbing the struggles of others
Allowing the strife to penetrate my spirit
Hyper sensitive
In a over stimulating world of despair
Blinders keep me ‘normal’
They also insult my sense of fairness
My need for justice
My need for rebellion
The ever elusive balance
Knowing and caring and caring to know
I have to know
I don’t know how to not care
My mind is doing pretzels
To thwart my efforts of figuring this out
Of finding a way to know and not be overwhelmed.
I am startled by how impressionable I feel
Naked
With a thousand currents of negative vibe shooting at me
Chaffed
Burned by the ice of my surrounded consciousness
Frozen in time
Frozen am I
‘none but ourselves can free our minds’
Freedom
Freedom lives and breathes only in the ability
To control your mind
A passionate expression is perhaps a flawed thought.
A vibrant rebellion is perhaps an illusion.
Unless it is happening in your own consciousness.
And that is the best description for this brain freeze
My mind and my soul are battling
They are both so eager to succeed
That neither realizes they are one.
The mind is bamboozled by matter,
seduced by it even.
The soul is frustrated by its inability to penetrate.
…and I am too…
Frustrated in this state of illusion and confusion
Without some guidance or perspective
No sign or path has led me to sustainable warmth
And that is the thing for which I seek.
Self created,
Self sustainable
Self empowered
Warmth.
The curious thing is my knowing where I have to go
But refusing to go there.
I am a slave.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
a soapbox rant
I am truly disturbed by the comments I read in response to current events articles/polls. I don’t understand the mindset of my ‘fellow’ Americans in the least bit. There is so much hostility. Misguided and even subliminally planted hostility perhaps?
This morning, a poll asking:
“Would you support the deportation of natural-born American citizens that are the children of illegal immigrants?”
44% said yes; 49% said no and 7% said maybe
This country was founded on this belief. Many, many, many of the people in my family, in my professional and personal life are citizens of this country because this is the open-armed stance branded on the spirit of this country. Grandparents foreign born, great-grandparents and yes, parents who came here seeking prosperity (legal or not) found solace in the fact that they were, just by being on this land, creating a better life for their blood.
This debate circling around immigration is a smoke screen. A distraction of monumental proportions aimed at shooting through your emotions and keeping you embroiled in a moot point. Creating a division of people based on things that matter little in the scheme of the truth. The government is sending troops to patrol the border, Arizona is going rouge in an attempt to “bring light on the situation”, everyone and their racist mothers are offended and people who sympathize and have compassion are uneducated or worse, liberals. The truth is, it is not about patrolling the border, it is not about preventing people from coming here, it is not about the money and the burden of the communities affected…It is about a government not being forward thinking enough on purpose. The simple solution is so simple and so righteous and so obvious, but yet, the minds are not going there. What is required is a way to make illegal’s legal. Im so sick and tired of people making excuses. Im sick and tired of hearing people’s perfectly planted rage against people just trying to live. Find a way to allow people to come and work and support their families.
The ignorance of the ripple effects we as Americans create all over the world astounds me daily. Your privilege and your comfort come at a karmic price. You have an opportunity every single day to balance the scale through compassion and true understanding. Walk in peoples shoes and stay awake.
This morning, a poll asking:
“Would you support the deportation of natural-born American citizens that are the children of illegal immigrants?”
44% said yes; 49% said no and 7% said maybe
This country was founded on this belief. Many, many, many of the people in my family, in my professional and personal life are citizens of this country because this is the open-armed stance branded on the spirit of this country. Grandparents foreign born, great-grandparents and yes, parents who came here seeking prosperity (legal or not) found solace in the fact that they were, just by being on this land, creating a better life for their blood.
This debate circling around immigration is a smoke screen. A distraction of monumental proportions aimed at shooting through your emotions and keeping you embroiled in a moot point. Creating a division of people based on things that matter little in the scheme of the truth. The government is sending troops to patrol the border, Arizona is going rouge in an attempt to “bring light on the situation”, everyone and their racist mothers are offended and people who sympathize and have compassion are uneducated or worse, liberals. The truth is, it is not about patrolling the border, it is not about preventing people from coming here, it is not about the money and the burden of the communities affected…It is about a government not being forward thinking enough on purpose. The simple solution is so simple and so righteous and so obvious, but yet, the minds are not going there. What is required is a way to make illegal’s legal. Im so sick and tired of people making excuses. Im sick and tired of hearing people’s perfectly planted rage against people just trying to live. Find a way to allow people to come and work and support their families.
The ignorance of the ripple effects we as Americans create all over the world astounds me daily. Your privilege and your comfort come at a karmic price. You have an opportunity every single day to balance the scale through compassion and true understanding. Walk in peoples shoes and stay awake.
Monday, May 3, 2010
on a more positive note
so i left that spewing piece here to sit by itself for a few weeks. felt good to get it off my chest, but re-reading it makes me ashamed of myself.
my father is flawed, as we all are. such anger is not an answer to the problem. I am not sure what the answer is if there is even one. I am taking the moments as they come, letting go of the moments that have long since passed. I am not going to guilt myself into 'action' as I just don't have the fight in me. I will not guilt myself into feeling at all actually.
Time may heal us, he is my father. Words can fall harshly, but only matter if the ears they fall on, believe them. So perhaps, it doesn't matter. And perhaps, I need to keep my spirit focused on more positive things.
that which i put into the world, is that which the world will return to me.
my energy is aligning itself without my will, it is being guided to a place where I am empowered. when I wrap my head around the discomfort of guilt and anger, I realize that I do not need to sit there if I choose not to. my mind, my spirit, my energy is strong enough to change my reality. and this is what I am choosing to focus on.
I feel like I am coming back to a place of knowledge that I once held, but unlearned through the struggles that life throws us. It is easy to wrap your head around it and dance with it for a while. I want to retain it, find a practice, a daily affirmation, something to keep it playing in the background of my experiences.
I am journaling nightly now as a form of therapy, release and understanding. I have neglected the part of myself that pours onto a page for fear of judgment, fear that I might not make sense, might contradict, might be self-absorbed. So stupid! I feel like I was blindfolded and spun and now that the blind fold is off, everything is still spinning. I am out of sorts with my myself, time to realign and gain strength through the understanding of myself again.
~peace, love & light~
my father is flawed, as we all are. such anger is not an answer to the problem. I am not sure what the answer is if there is even one. I am taking the moments as they come, letting go of the moments that have long since passed. I am not going to guilt myself into 'action' as I just don't have the fight in me. I will not guilt myself into feeling at all actually.
Time may heal us, he is my father. Words can fall harshly, but only matter if the ears they fall on, believe them. So perhaps, it doesn't matter. And perhaps, I need to keep my spirit focused on more positive things.
that which i put into the world, is that which the world will return to me.
my energy is aligning itself without my will, it is being guided to a place where I am empowered. when I wrap my head around the discomfort of guilt and anger, I realize that I do not need to sit there if I choose not to. my mind, my spirit, my energy is strong enough to change my reality. and this is what I am choosing to focus on.
I feel like I am coming back to a place of knowledge that I once held, but unlearned through the struggles that life throws us. It is easy to wrap your head around it and dance with it for a while. I want to retain it, find a practice, a daily affirmation, something to keep it playing in the background of my experiences.
I am journaling nightly now as a form of therapy, release and understanding. I have neglected the part of myself that pours onto a page for fear of judgment, fear that I might not make sense, might contradict, might be self-absorbed. So stupid! I feel like I was blindfolded and spun and now that the blind fold is off, everything is still spinning. I am out of sorts with my myself, time to realign and gain strength through the understanding of myself again.
~peace, love & light~
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
a fathers words
a fathers words fall harshly
darting about this house of doubt
and settles like an exhausted Sun
beaten by the Moon,
betrayed by time,
wildly spinning
and confused.
Yes, the words fell callously.
Spewed from lips
stained with bitter rage,
judgment and crooked impressions
Spoken about like gossip fodder…
and smiled to
and lied to
and permanently damaged.
Yes, the words fell cruelly.
Like the daggers on ones enemy
Knives a plenty…
To my children, to my friends
Repeatedly
unaware of the blood trickling down my back
I continued to concern myself with you,
With your well being.
Yes, the words fell viciously.
Scattered about my surroundings
Disturbing the vibe of my unconsciousness,
Burning holes in the fabric of a lifetime
And forever changed my landscape.
to be unloved by ones parents is one thing
to be hated, was unexpected.
And yes, the words will fall,
Loudly and coarsely
In the space of my silence.
They will serve as a reminder to not trust you.
They will stand as a monument of what not to do.
They will be burned in the walls of my house, so that I might never forget.
They will keep space between you and my children.
And they will keep my spirit free from your constraints.
You are no longer my father.
darting about this house of doubt
and settles like an exhausted Sun
beaten by the Moon,
betrayed by time,
wildly spinning
and confused.
Yes, the words fell callously.
Spewed from lips
stained with bitter rage,
judgment and crooked impressions
Spoken about like gossip fodder…
and smiled to
and lied to
and permanently damaged.
Yes, the words fell cruelly.
Like the daggers on ones enemy
Knives a plenty…
To my children, to my friends
Repeatedly
unaware of the blood trickling down my back
I continued to concern myself with you,
With your well being.
Yes, the words fell viciously.
Scattered about my surroundings
Disturbing the vibe of my unconsciousness,
Burning holes in the fabric of a lifetime
And forever changed my landscape.
to be unloved by ones parents is one thing
to be hated, was unexpected.
And yes, the words will fall,
Loudly and coarsely
In the space of my silence.
They will serve as a reminder to not trust you.
They will stand as a monument of what not to do.
They will be burned in the walls of my house, so that I might never forget.
They will keep space between you and my children.
And they will keep my spirit free from your constraints.
You are no longer my father.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
a possible return
I guess it has been a whole year...my priorities have left little room for me to be me and the spirit hadn't moved me. but now its spring, my forever reincarnation, full of emotion, ready to burst. but I am afraid of the words, afraid of their resentment against the time I've left them alone.
personally, I am in a good place. spiritually, I am headed in a good place. poetically, I am trapped. Hung up on bitter emotions that I feel are a waste of paper. my actions in life make me feel inadequate to express the word.
I started this blog to have a place to write without being known, without being judged by those who share my physical life. But the wall I've built around my heart won't allow the flow I need to survive. So today...I am making a commitment to try.
My life is full,
I am perched on the Spring and ready to unfold
This casing that I was born into must fall away
It no longer defines me.
personally, I am in a good place. spiritually, I am headed in a good place. poetically, I am trapped. Hung up on bitter emotions that I feel are a waste of paper. my actions in life make me feel inadequate to express the word.
I started this blog to have a place to write without being known, without being judged by those who share my physical life. But the wall I've built around my heart won't allow the flow I need to survive. So today...I am making a commitment to try.
My life is full,
I am perched on the Spring and ready to unfold
This casing that I was born into must fall away
It no longer defines me.
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